Prince Crap In A Can
by KellySquared
Summary: Insane parody of the Prince Caspian movie, because we can. And because we're completely and utterly insane and random, and want to share with the world. Sequel to The Loin, the Beep and the Wackjob. WE DRIVE WIGWAMS! Now with 40% more potatoes!
1. Attack of the Candied Yams

_A/N: iheartmwpp: We're BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Yours truly and the co-author, Raven Wolfmoon, are going to parody Prince Caspian as well (even though we said we weren't we lied. Prince Caspian was amazing, so we had to kill it as well)! Yays!_

_For those of you who are just joining us, you may want to read our prequel _The Loin, the Beep, and the Wackjob_ before reading this story, as this one contains many inside jokes from the other one that you wouldn't understand otherwise. Yes, we know that the beginning chapters for that one suck, but that's because I was the only one working on them; Raven's input didn't come till later, and she's the more insane one out of the two of us. I mean, she freakin' spayed me! TWICE!_

_So a little bit of info for the newcomers: I'm Kelly Elizabeth Something, otherwise known as iheartmwpp. Raven Wolfmoon is also Kelly Elizabeth Something, although in her case the 'Something' is completely different. I'm also known as 'That One,' while Raven is 'The Other One,' and we have several more nicknames that aren't exactly politically correct._

_Also, our humor is completely random and insane. We usually just type out the first thing that comes into our heads and it somehow works. Some may not like our twisted, sick senses of humor, and we probably won't blame you in the slightest. We scare ourselves sometimes (especially today, I don't know where I came up with one of the jokes; maybe it was just a post Thanksgiving feeling or something…all I know is that it had us laughing for over ten minutes and I had to beat Raven senseless to keep it in the story)._

_And now, in honor of the actual movie coming out on DVD on Tuesday, on with the story!_

**Disclaimer:** We don't own _The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. _Like we said, it's not coming out until Tuesday, and even then neither of us will be getting it until hopefully Christmas!

* * *

The theater is silent, the credits have played. The moon is being obscured by the sun and then, we hear the pleasant words that make our ears bleed due to their incredibly jarring volume:

"I'M GIVING BIRTH LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY!" shouted…Prunaprismia. Seriously. (Okay, that has to be the worst name ever. Who the hell names their daughter something like Prunaprismia?! For the purpose of maintaining some coherent sense in this parody, we will be referring to Prunaprismia as Puffy.)

"OH GOD THE AGONY! I'M GOING TO KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME!"

"What a perfect way to start a children's movie!" exclaimed a first-time viewer.

"Mommy, where do babies come from?" asked all of the children in the audience.

"Uhh…" Simultaneously, the annoyed parents turned to glare at Andrew Adamson, who, despite being millions of miles away, felt their burning glances and melted.

"TROWELS!! I NEED TROWELS!!" shrieked the quiet midwife.

A woman quickly rushed in to supply the desired object. The midwife yanked them out of her hands and began to weed her portable garden.

"AHHHH!!" screamed Puffy, who was still giving birth.

Then, it was all over. The midwife wiped the dirt off her hands and held up Puffy's newborn baby.

"WAAAAAAAAHHH!" cried the baby, seeing as it was a baby.

"ALIEN!!" Puffy yelled in horror as she threw it out of the window.

A little while later, General Glozelle ran up to Lord Miraz with the news. They were out in the hallway of the silent castle, even though Puffy's abhorrent noise should've woken everyone up.

"The child has a penis," he announced.

"Good," said Lord Miraz happily. "So do I. And I know how to use it."

"Apparently…" the General murmured to himself.

"Ah, the heavens have farted on us," Miraz intoned to himself as he stared out the window into a blue screen. "You know your orders," he added after a pause.

"Yes, but I never got them!" General Glozelle whined. "I wanted a pizza and mozzarella sticks, and tomato sausages! Why oh why would they be denied to me?"

"That's not what I'm talking about you twit-faced watermelon! You've got to kill Caspian!"

"But sir, you know about his sexy charm, don't you?"

"Of course! That's why I'm giving you these." Miraz handed Glozelle a purple lollipop.

"Mmm…grape's my favorite flavor," he drooled.

"That's not grape, my dear man," Miraz informed him. "That is a potion concocted by the potion-making people of the potion society that has its potion store somewhere in this castle."

"I see. What does it do?"

"It blinds you. Temporarily, of course, but it is effective against Caspian's incredible sexiness."

"But sir, how will I be able to see him to kill him?" Glozelle wondered in a panic.

"I don't know. You figure it out. That's why you're my general and I'm king."

"Uh…you're not a king yet."

"Oh right. And I obviously don't have intentions of becoming one. My ambition is very small."

"Wow, that was full of complete understatements," Glozelle commented.

"Yes, now go!"

"Yes milord." The General stumbled out of the room as the scene changed.

A hooded figure began to slither through the hallways with its feet, making thumping noises that alerted all of the guards to its presence. Suddenly, the fat silhouette dropped into a trapdoor and began its long trek to Caspian's room.

Using a grappling hook, the figure scaled the Great Wall of China and ran along its length. From there, it crossed the treacherous Nile River on a piece of drywall. The Himalayas were painstakingly climbed and then the figure made its way to the Grand Canyon, which it abseiled using a ball of yarn. Then, in a submarine, the figure disappeared under the waters of the Mississippi River and surfaced in Japan whereupon it ascended Mount Fuji and fell into its crater.

The ominous shadow dropped into Caspian's room with a resounding BOOM but Caspian did not even bat an eyelash. The silhouette yanked back the drapes around Caspian's My Little Pony bed set and smothered him.

Caspian responded to getting smothering by brushing his teeth.

The figure, used to Caspian's sexiness, was not overly affected except for the drool that accumulated in its mouth and dripped on the floor. The figure quickly snapped itself out of the trance.

"Where are the numchucks?" it whispered frantically.

"Numb?" Caspian wondered vaguely, toothpaste still in his mouth.

"Where are the numchucks?" The voice was more fervent this time.

"They're somewhere where they're inaccessible right now. Why?" Caspian asked as the hand was removed from his breathing outlets and he relaxed to see it was his professor.

"You're not shucking corn tonight, my prince. Come; we must hurry!"

The old man yanked Caspian out of the bed and eyed his thong-bearing buttocks appreciatively before pulling him toward the closet.

"Professor, what's going on?" Caspian demanded in his oh-so-sexy Spanish accent.

"Puffy has given birth to an ALIEN!!"

"Holy crap!" Caspian agreed.

The Professor disappeared into the closet and shouted back, "And don't you dare come out of the closet!"

Caspian raised his eyebrows. "I don't think you'll need to worry about that." He stepped into the closet and hesitated. Like Lucy Pevensie before him, he knew that all C.S. Lewis's books were about not locking yourself in wardrobe/closet-type things. He watched in horror as several soldiers stumbled into his room, desperately feeling their way around. Once they were in position around Caspian's bed, they immediately began chucking rotten tomatoes at the bed. Caspian could only watch as the tomatoes forever stained his My Little Pony bed curtains. He would never forgive them for this terrible crime. NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oh yeah. There was an owl.

Caspian was momentarily distracted by the Professor grabbing the string of his thong and yanking him down the hidden stairway into a conveniently placed armory. Caspian immediately pulled on a set of paper maché armor and grabbed a plastic sword.

"You must make for the small pebble in the middle of the giant forest. If you don't know how to get there, ask the talking woodland creatures."

"Umm…what have you been smoking, sir?"

"I kind of just mix things together."

"Is that why you're so fat?"

"Yes, indeed! Now go! They won't follow you there in that awful place with all the awful trees that supply us awful oxygen so that we can live awfully!"

"Ok! Sounds fun!"

"By the way, I want to give this to you." The professor pulled a ukulele out of his nose and presented it to Caspian, who eyed it in disgust.

"What is it?"

"Do not use it except when hippos are crawling in your ears and Satan is shredding your soul."

"And those things have to be happening simultaneously?"

"I don't know. Hell, if that was happening I would use it. And when I say 'use it,' I really mean I would jump into a volcano."

"Didn't you already fall into a crater?"

"IT'S DIFFERENT!!!"

"Shouldn't I be going now?"

"Yes. Oh, and I never want to see you again. It's not like I'm keeping tons of secrets from you that could pertain to the entire plot of this movie."

"Oh, that's good then. Well, toodle-loo!"

Suddenly the music suggested that an important line was about to be said. The professor inhaled his esophagus and then realized he did not have lungs with which to inhale. This caused him great confusion and terrible agony.

"The important, ominous, menacing, looming, imminent line, sir?" Caspian reminded him.

"Oh, yes…I had a yummy breakfast. It was yummy, hence the yumminess."

"Well that's fantastic for you but I'M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!!!" Caspian then spurred on his starfish and rode off into the night. On the way, he threw something into a torch-fire-thing. It was either a sword or a man; we couldn't really tell, so it will forever be known as the man shaped like a sword. His name: Billy.

Caspian and his starfish clattered over the bridge as the opening credits stalked them. The credits were rather pissed when they were suddenly upstaged by fireworks, which killed thousands of seagulls in the process. To take their revenge, the credits shot the fireworks with poison darts. Yes. Because it makes sense.

"An ALIEN! An ALIEN! Puffy has given birth to an ALIEN!" shouted some random character for no real reason since we all kind of got that from the first two times we heard it.

Caspian turned and fled. He was alone for a while until some random Ring Wraiths began to chase him.

Peter Jackson, the director of Lord of the Rings, cursed angrily at Andrew Adamson. He tried to make the Wraiths turn back and chase Arwen's stunt double, but alas, they were convinced that Caspian was far sexier. They were right, of course.

Andrew Adamson was not pleased that he had gotten cursed out by Peter Jackson, so he retaliated.

"Didn't you finish making Lord of the Rings in 2003? How the hell are you still filming???"

"I…I…" Peter Jackson looked down in shame. "I kept the Wraiths as pets…and I like to make them hunt things…"

"You are a sick man. A great director, but a sick man. I am disgusted by you," Andrew said.

"Says the guy who made Shrek," Peter muttered under his breath.

"OH NO YOU DI'INT!" Andrew shrieked.

"Ohhhhhhhhh snap," Peter cried as Andrew broke a chair over his head. There commenced a director smack-down which made no sense whatsoever.

"Hello? I'm still here!" Caspian reminded everyone. His sexiness could not be ignored, so there was a long drawn-out scene of stuff with him getting chased…and stuff.

Once the Wraiths got to the forest, their mounts, candied yams, began to fidget and whinny nervously.

"Eww they're so sticky!" complained one of them.

"Which one of you superstitious ladies wants to spend the night in a jail cell?" the leader shouted softly as he glared sweetly at the others.

All at once one of the Wraiths burst out crying. "That hurt in the place where my heart lives in my chest cavity! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he sobbed.

"Why don't you think before you open the hole in your face called a mouth???" one of them retorted kindly.

The leader decided to ignore him.

"I rather enjoy oxymorons. Now let's jump into this pleasant, deadly forest!" he guffawed. The Wraiths followed him as he spurred his candied yam into the wood.

Meanwhile, Caspian was running. Then there was more running. Then even MORE running. Caspian even crossed a stream of molten jello. Good thing his starfish was immune to its scalding effects.

"OWIE!" Caspian cried as some drops landed on his bare skin. Mind you, recall that he was only dressed in a thong and paper maché armor!

The Ring Wraiths behind him floundered as their candied yams were boiled and then consumed by the Krakken, who was not invited to anyone's Thanksgiving feast. Despite this debilitating loss, the Ring Wraiths surged forward after the hotness that was Caspian.

Caspian decided that it would then be an intelligent thing to look back at those chasing him and not to face forward. If he had faced forward, he would have seen the Immaculate, Iron Ham-and-Cheese Sandwich coming straight for his head. Since he was an idiot, it smashed into his face, obliterated his skull and then proceeded to roast a gorilla.

Since Caspian was dead, he was not able to recover. Slightly redundant, but hey.

"You killed him in the _first scene_??" iheartmwpp screamed at Raven, who was being forced to type due to iheartmwpp's deathly whip.

"I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!!" Raven whimpered in pain, but iheartmwpp was ruthless.

"He's the sexiest beast EVER! How dare you kill him?"

"True…" Raven then brought Caspian back to life, although decided to mess with him by making him get dragged by his starfish (attached to him by a suction cup of course).

"This really isn't helping my obliterated skull," Caspian surmised as his head bumped along the ground. Suddenly, the starfish exploded, leaving Caspian alone. He looked around and realized that he couldn't see in the dark. Hmm…can starfish see in the dark? How did this chase scene actually take place? Tis a good question really…

Caspian had a little "WTF??" moment when all at once he was surrounded by puppy-dog men.

"He's seen us! We must circumcise it!" cried Warwick Davis.

"Aren't you that guy from Harry Potter? And Star Wars?" Caspian asked dumbly.

"No! I'm the EVIL ONE THAT BETRAYS ALL!!"

"Wow…way to spoil the movie."

Random viewers began to massacre penguins in a rage at having the movie spoiled.

"Not the penguins!" Caspian whined desperately. He and another puppy-dog man got into a staring contest over the ukulele, which had fallen out of Caspian's pocket.

"THE RING WRAITHS APPROACHETH!!" shouted one of the puppy-dog men.

The one that was Peter Dinklage went off to sacrifice himself and all was happy.

Thinking quickly, Caspian did the only thing he could do. He quickly strummed the ukulele and was rewarded with a bottle of water. He quickly guzzled it down.

"Ah," he said, refreshed. He was then knocked unconscious. Or something. The screen blacked out, so we don't even really know what happened. He might have been mauled by a baby seal. Or perhaps he was eviscerated by a lawn mower.

"Mmm…lawn mowers…" iheartmwpp drooled. Raven used this momentary distraction to steal her overseer's whip and eat it.

* * *

_A/N: For the record, we actually LIKE both the Lord of the Rings and Shrek. We just like to make fun of things._

_Updates will most likely be very sporadic, as we are both in college right now, and separate ones at that. We'll try to update whenever we can, but in the meantime, hey, you can read (or re-read) the prequel or any of our other stories, co-written or otherwise._

_Remember to review, or we'll eat your children even though we're still stuffed from Thanksgiving._


	2. The Infamous Walrus Stalker of London

_A/N: Raven: So, I want everyone to clap their hands maniacally for iheartmwpp, who wrote nearly ALL of this chapter and actually managed to make it funny! While I was reading it, I burst out laughing and it was HILARIOUS! I hope you like this insanity…wait what am I talking about? Of course you'll like it…right? RIGHT??!! AAGGGHHHH!!! _

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Prince Caspian, although his body is very sexy.

* * *

The Infamous Walrus Stalker of London

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, a car ran over Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie. There was much rejoicing. Unfortunately, she was kind of needed in the rest of the film, so Andrew Adamson put her back together with copious amounts of duct tape and they were able to start shooting again. The newly deformed Lucy ran across the street, this time leaping over cars because she was Batman. She didn't get hit again, though a bunch of porcupines dive-bombed her for no apparent reason.

Across the street, Susan was admiring the latest addition of _Playboy_ when a walrus came up and started to talk to her.

"You go to St. Farfignoogen's," he observed, staring at her uniform as snot trickled down his face.

Susan rolled her eyes.

"You're a walrus and I don't like you. I only go for humans. So…piss off."

"I go to the House of Mouse, across the road."

"I am disgusted by your putrescence. Go away, I have mace."

"I've been stalking you," the walrus smiled. "You're always by yourself, so you're a perfect target."

"I swear to Aslan, if you don't go away right this instant I will shove this magazine into your ear and scoop out your brains with it."

"Awesome. What's your name?"

"…Fertilizer."

"SUSAN! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE NOW!" shouted Lucy, running up to them.

"Oh thank GOD!" Susan hurriedly ate the _Playboy_ magazine and hurried after her sister, leaving the walrus to stare after her with a perverted grin on his face. The girls flew across the road on the backs of several wandering giraffes and ran down into the Subway, where they ate sandwiches. Oh wait, it's called the Underground over there, isn't it?

Oh, and there was a statue of a lion that didn't foreshadow anything whatsoever.

Next to the poster advertizing the Nostalgia Critic, a crowd of children had gathered to watch the hero of the last movie get the shit beaten out of him. Susan and Lucy kicked everyone out of the way so they could reach their brother.

"I'm really old, you stupid little boys!" shouted Peter as the boys fighting with him broke his scapula. "WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT??!! I had a beard and was MANLYYYYYYYYY!!!" He groaned. "Ow…my ovaries…" He sent pleading looks over at his sisters only to find them cheering on the other boys along with everyone else.

Suddenly, Edmund jumped out from the crowd and proceeded to shoot fireballs out of his hands at the boys attacking Peter. He would've continued if several clowns hadn't appeared on the scene, blowing their whistles.

"Ah! Whistles! My one weakness besides everything else!" cried Edmund, clutching his ears as he sank to the floor and writhed in agony. One of the clowns stood on him as they made their speech to the boys who were trying to kill each other.

"If you don't stop fighting right now, I will take your right arm and right leg and make a charming pasta salad," he warned them. He then grabbed Peter's ankle and started shaking him so violently that his head fell off. The clown picked up the head and told it to act it's age before kicking it over to Peter's body, which grabbed it and put it back on it's neck.

The four siblings sat down on a bench. Edmund had stopped writhing and started laughing at his brother's inability to kill small children.

"You're such a pussy…" Edmund snorted in his big-boy voice.

"Wow Ed," commented Lucy, "you went through puberty! And it's only taken several decades!"

"Damn, Skandar! I WANT YOUR BODY!" shrieked Raven, who, in her excitement, began to stuff canaries down her throat.

"Raven, calm down," said iheartmwpp, rolling her eyes. "I don't think he'll like you. You wrote so much crap about him in the last story! You've tortured him in countless ways and made him go through a living hell! Don't you think he will have some mental scarring that will inhibit him from LIKING YOU???"

"That's never stopped anyone before…muahahahahahahahahhahahah!!!"

"…Were those chocolate canaries?"

"Maybe…" Raven snickered evilly to herself, an insane light gleaming in her eyes that then feasted on pillow cases and exploded.

"…Okay then…"

"I HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!" said Peter, nursing his compound fracture.

"What was it this time?" asked Susan as Peter stood up and hobbled a little.

"He said I wasn't sexy enough to be in this movie."

Everyone gasped.

"So you tried to gouge his eyes out, right?" said Lucy eagerly.

"No. After he said that, he said that I wasn't even sexy enough to be in any future sequels. We all know that this series goes on forever, so that's when I tried to gouge his eyes out. Unfortunately, they had machine guns."

"That really shouldn't have stopped you," Susan commented snidely.

"You try saying that after taking several bullets to the spleen!" shrieked Peter angrily. "Don't you ever get tired of being treated like a kid?" he went on, throwing a temper tantrum.

"Uh…in addition to us actually being physically young again, you're not the most mature person around," Edmund pointed out.

"What are you talking about? I can totally act like an adult!" whined Peter while sucking his thumb. "Besides, _I_ wasn't always young, I'll have you know!"

"Neither were the rest of us, dumbass," said Susan.

"It's been several months since the authors finished the prequel," complained Peter, sitting back down. "How long do they expect the readers to wait?"

"I think that since they were going off to college, they didn't think they'd have any extra time at all to write this especially outside of classes, writing their own crap, and Raven actually having a life," Susan surmised. "That's why they weren't even planning a sequel at all. However, since iheartmwpp still doesn't have a life yet, and probably still won't at the start of next year, it turns out they can continue writing this crap." She looked up and saw the walrus that had been stalking her earlier coming towards them. "Quick, pretend you're planning to murder me," she whispered.

"We are planning to murder you," said Edmund matter-of-factly.

"OWCHIES!" shrieked Lucy, standing up.

"What the hell, Lu?!" said Susan, her ears bleeding.

"Someone just pickled my anus! It wasn't a happy feeling!"

"Hey, Ed, stop trying to shave that kiwi!" said Peter, as he yanked away the New Zealander from his brother.

"I didn't do anything to you!" Edmund protested.

The wind began to gust around them.

"It feels like someone just let out a huge fart!" said Lucy, grinning widely.

"Quick, everyone grab the underwear of the person standing next to them!" said Susan.

"But I'm not wearing any!" shouted Edmund. Peter punched him in the face and grabbed his trousers.

The Pevensies watched in shock as the tiles lining the walls and ceiling of the Underground broke away, decapitating everyone but them. The siblings paid the carnage no heed, however, as the main Narnian theme music had started playing. The train that was in front of them continued to move and they stared as the station melted away. When the train finally passed, they found themselves in a small cave that led out into a New Zealand beach scene. They slowly walked out, taking in the sights. Then Lucy turned to Susan and they both grinned, running out onto the beach. Their brothers quickly followed them, stripping down completely and running into the water. The siblings had fun skinny dipping and splashing each other, inspiring numerous incest fics.

After several hours, Edmund stood up and looked up at the mountain that overlooked the beach. Peter glanced over at him.

"What is it?" the eldest asked.

"Where do you suppose we are?" Edmund replied with his own question.

"What's the bleeding title of the movie?!"

"Yeah, but I don't remember any giant dead carcasses in Narnia."

"Ah. Touché." The siblings put their clothes back on, much to the audience's disappointment, and teleported up the mountain into the center of the rotting bones and flesh. They examined different sections of the skeleton. Lucy munched happily on a butterfly as she looked out across the sea.

"I wonder who lived here?" she wondered aloud, turning back to her siblings.

Susan bent down and picked up a solid gold toilet seat.

"I think we did," she said softly.

The other three came over to take a look as well.

"Hey, that's mine!" exclaimed Edmund. "From my toilet!"

"Which toilet?" asked Peter, remembering that Edmund had been proclaimed the ruler of all the chamber pots in Narnia.

"I didn't exactly have a solid gold toilet seat in Gmtpkvqn, did I?" Edmund retorted, taking the toilet seat from Susan and caressing it fondly.

Lucy looked beyond her siblings at what appeared to be a giant skull.

"Oh _hell_ no," she whispered. She grabbed Peter's spine and hurled him over to it, motioning the others to run up as well. "Don't you see?" she asked giddily once they all arrived at the skull.

"See what?" asked Peter, pushing himself to his feet once more.

"Imagine us being up higher, supported by four giant legs, and me and Mr. Tumnus hanging from snot-filled nostrils!"

"Cow Power," whispered Peter reverently.

* * *

_A/N: Raven: I know what you're thinking: unlike the first few chapters of the prequel, this one doesn't suck. Well that's because iheartmwpp has been hanging around with me too much, and my randomness is rubbing off. MUAHAHAHAHAA!! I enjoy shredding kitten tentacles._


	3. The Jedi Council of Inanimate Objects

_A/N: We have a Youtube account now! Yays! And we posted a video where we write half of this chapter on it! If you want to be freaked out for life, the link to the video is in our profile. It's part one of many, the rest will be posted whenever we feel like it. Most likely before the next chapter is written._

**Disclaimer: **We have yet to steal the rights from_ Prince Caspian. _We finally own the DVD though! And we also stole stuff from That Guy With The Glasses and Megami33. Yay stealing!

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Miraz and Puffy were playing catch with the newborn baby.

"Hey, Puffy! Go long!" Miraz yelled gleefully, chucking the harmless infant at his wife.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried the baby in protest as it sailed through the air.

"ALIEN!!" Puffy screamed as she violently dodged the flying infant, causing it to land on the other side of the mountain.

"What mountain? Where are we?" Miraz cried.

"I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!" Puffy yelled in distress. "WHERE'S MY BABY???"

"Umm…apparently on the other side of the mountain."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"But…well, remind me why I married you?"

"BECAUSE I AM YOUR FATHER!!"

"That's not true! That's impossible!!"

"SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS! YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE!!"

"Ok, no really…that's impossible…"

"I know I was just messing with you."

"Hey you stopped screaming," Miraz commented.

"REALLY????"

"Umm…never mind."

"WE JUST RIPPED OFF STAR WARS!!"

"Wow, the authors suck," Miraz said.

"I CONCUR!" Puffy agreed. To silence her since she was annoying, Miraz smothered her with a shoe. After she slumped to the ground, he assigned one of his guards to track down his son.

Suddenly, some of his men clambered into the courtyard on their candied yams. Miraz saw that one of them was carrying a candy cane. He immediately teleported himself into the stables where the candied yams were getting settled into their respective stalls. He noticed that Glozelle's candied yam had an extra package attached to its saddle. He began to move toward it but was tackled to the ground by Glozelle.

"Wait, my lord!" he cried.

"Did you really have to make it so dramatic?"

"I just wanted to be lovedddd!" Glozelle cried.

"What is it, then?" Miraz demanded, eyeing the black lump against the yam's back.

"We're not exactly sure," he said in a thick Spanish accent.

"What? I can't understand you! Your thick Spanish accent is very thick!"

"You have the same accent, for crying out loud!"

"What??"

"Beep beep boop ba sheep boo."

"Oh, I see," Miraz remarked. "Wait, are you R2D2 now?"

"WE JUST RIPPED OFF STAR WARS AGAIN!!" Puffy declared.

"How did you get in here?"

"I LIVE HERE!!"

Glozelle gave her an odd look. "Does she always scream like that, my lord?"

"Unfortunately yes. It's a family thing. I have to strangle her ever few hours to contain it."

"THE WORD 'UNFORTUNATELY' HAS THE WORD 'TUNA' IN IT!! I LIKE TUNA!!" Puffy screamed softly.

Miraz then impaled her with a teddy bear. She melted into the floor and disappeared.

"Umm…sir?" Glozelle wondered.

"Just don't ask," Miraz muttered.

"…Okay then. Anyway, if you want another freak, look here on my saddle. Except of course, we're showing it to you off screen, so you can't really see it."

"So what am I looking at then?"

"A picture of me naked."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! HOLY FUCK!!"

"…The tension in the air is killing me. Want to make out?"

"Glozelle, you scare me sometimes."

"I scare myself, sir. Let's just change the scene, shall we?"

* * *

All at once, the scene shifted so that viewers got to watch the famous Jedi Council in action.

"YOU RIPPED OFF—" Puffy was shot in the face with a nuclear warhead before she could finish her sentence.

Meanwhile, Lord Sopespian…Soapboxmachine…Saltpepperchin… Ok, how the HELL do you spell his name?? Screw it, let's just call him Sally.

"I WArned this council when it put its TRUst in Lord MIraz there would be CONsequences," Sally yellED.

"Why are you talking like that?" demanded another of the lords, who was a cantaloupe.

"I DOn't KNOw," Sally REplied.

"No, no! We can't accuse the Lord Buttface without any proof," insisted another lord, who was a toaster. A second later his toast popped up. "Who wanted toast?" he asked.

"Ooh I did, I did!" shrieked an indignant sweater. The toaster handed over the toast and the sweater quickly gobbled it up.

"**Ack**How **ack**long **ack**are **ack**we **ack**going **ack**to **ack**hide be**ack**hind **ack**that excuse?" spat the Lord of Phlegm, who was a bowling pin. "Pardon me, my phlegm gland just went dry."

"UntileverychairinthischamberisemptyyyyyyYYYY_YYYY_???"

Miraz pole-vaulted into the chamber. "Lords of the council, my apologies for being late. I wasn't aware we were EATING PIZZA!"

"Pizza? Where?" demanded the sweater, who was always hungry for little children…or pizza.

"No DOUbt you were OTHERwise ocCUpied," said SalLY.

"My lord?" asked Miraz in mock surprise.

"Ever since the death of Caspian the XXXVII, you have behaved as if you were a squirrel. It's kind of been freaking us out a bit."

"I know, but I can't help it. A rabid squirrel descended from the ceiling and proceeded to nibble on my jugular, turning me into a Vampire Squirrel."

"Ok…so does that mean you're going to bite us and turn us into your minions?"

"Why the heck would I want to have cantaloupes, toasters, couches, bowling pins, sweaters and Sally as minions? How lame is that? Not to mention the fact that said appliances would have difficulty being VAMPIRES!!"

"My DEEPest condolENCES, LoRD MirAZ," Sally said with a sadistic smile. "IMAgine, flyinG thROUGH tHE BaHAMas on The VERy NIGht PuFFY hAS BLESsed yOU wiTH AN ALien!!"

"AHHH!! ALIEN!!" Puffy screamed as she jumped through the window, rolled along the floor and out into the hallway. None of the lords decided to comment on this normal behavior of Puffy's.

"Why thank you, Lord Sally. Your girlishness is a bone in this troubled time."

"So, what, you're a dog now?" demanded one of the lords, who was a couch.

"No, I clearly stated before that I am a Vampire Squirrel. Now I will take over the throne and become absolute ruler of Narnia!! Uh…I mean, let's just talk and have a nice time…eating pickled cucumbers…which are really just pickles."

"Then why didn't you say that in the first place?"

"Because your dentist is a duck."

"That makes no sense," insisted the bowling pin.

"Neither does you being a bowling pin."

Suddenly, the door opened.

Lord Miraz stood while sitting and declared in a small, booming voice: "That is the most disturbing news of all."

"The door opening?" questioned a very confused toaster Lord.

"Our beloved Caspian was turned into a racecar by Narnians."

There was murmuring within the council.

"What's a racecar?" inquired the sweater.

"I don't know, but it's spelled the same forwards as it is backwards!!" Miraz shouted giddily as he performed a Riverdance.

Just then, General Glozelle peeked into the chamber, and exchanging glances with Miraz, nodded briskly. He exited as Miraz made a beautiful speech about turtle doves and the fact that they were a combination of turtles and doves. Like in Avatar.

"You go too farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Mirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraz" angrily spoke a lord, who was the Eiffel Tower. "You expect us to stand by while you blame such a blatant crime on future plot elements??"

"Lord Miraz may be right about the Narnians," the couch piped up. "I mean, listen to him! He's developing Edmund-itis!"

"What the hell is that?"

"It's an ancient Narnian disease where you reveal your true motives, but somehow the other characters don't notice you giving away the general plot of the movie."

Meanwhile, Lord Miraz raised his tonsils and indicated for Glozelle to enter the chamber bearing a puppy-dog man played by actor Peter Dinklage. As Peter Dinklage came into sight, the lords of the council jumped to their feet…and stands and…do any of them even have feet? Anyways, they stood up and were surprised and stuff.

"We forget, my lords, Narnia was once a McDonalds. Fierce creatures roamed free. Hamburglars were rampant. Much of our Forefather's limbs were sacrificed to clothe Oprah and exterminate these radish monsters!!"

"You really botched up that line, sir," muttered the couch.

"If I wanted your opinion, I would've given it to you," Miraz shot back. "But while we've been stuffing partridges with cheese doodles, they've been throwing parties…and not inviting us to any of them!"

"Gasp!" gasped the other councilmen.

"Growing fatter. Watching pornography. Waiting—to get kicked in the balls!!" Miraz turned to the puppy-dog man and gave him a swift kick in the nuts.

"And you wonder why we don't like you," Peter Dinklage choked out through his tears.

"Huh? Did you not enjoy that or something?"

"No….no, not really…I'm in an awful lot of pain, actually."

"Oh. Sorry 'bout that."

"No, it's fine. I'm gonna…I'm gonna go cry now…"

"Okay! Have fun!"

"I hate you."

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_A/N: And we're done! Review and check out our video!_


	4. The Chests of Random Crap

_A/N: Hey, guys, our entire process of writing chapter 3 is on Youtube now! Links are in our profile if anyone is interested in seeing our craziness in action!_

**Disclaimer: **We are still trying to get the rights to Prince Caspian, as well as Rent and the jokes from Megami33's Sailor Moon Abridged. The Tellytubbies can keep themselves though. There was something else we referenced…can't for the life of me remember what it was…Ah well, it probably wasn't from anything important; I doubt anyone will recognize it.

* * *

Edmund stared around blankly, wondering where he had just put down his bologna and steak sandwich, when he noticed something on the ground.

"Catapults!" he cried, pointing to a rock. "That's a catapult! And that's a tree!" he went on, pointing to another rock. "And that's a rocket car, and that's a Tellytubby and that's a goose," he continued, respectively indicating a leaf, a Tellytubby and an acorn.

Lucy looked at the Tellytubby with a strange glint in her eye. "I've always wanted to maul something edible."

"Not now, Lucy," Susan chided her sister. "Go maul that hippopotamus over there."

"Okay!" Lucy answered cheerfully as she charmingly ripped it apart with her happy teeth. "Mmm…tastes like cauliflower."

"Eww, who actually likes cauliflower?" Peter spoke up.

Edmund rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Lucy, can you go even one chapter without being maniacal? Eh, who am I kidding? Oh, and by the way, Cow Power was attacked," he commented, pointing out the bite marks on the carcass.

Peter nodded endlessly, causing his head to fly off, cross Antarctica, return to Narnia and eat a bucketful of candles. "Oh the wax, it's dripping, I like it between my-"

"Baskets? I figured," Susan supplied quickly.

"…Yes, that is exactly where I was going with that," Peter muttered, deadpan. He was rather enraged that his first Sexy Ploy had been foiled.

"Um…Peter? Has your head even been reattached to your body yet?" asked Edmund.

"Nope."

"Then how are you talking?"

"I have a second mouth located in my-"

"Radish with a gun?" Susan filled in.

Peter gave her a look. "What's _wrong_ with you?" he demanded, angry that another Sexy Ploy had been halted.

"Hey let's move this giant rock!" shrieked Edmund in sudden excitement. Peter quickly reattached his head with superglue and the Tellytubby.

"Po," said Po as it (considering its questionable gender) was mashed into jelly. Strawberry jelly.

Together, the Pevensie boys moved a giant rock which was actually made out of Styrofoam, since they were, number one on a cheap movie set in New Zealand and, number two, they were weaker than linguini on a hall pass. Whatever that means. After the rock was out of the way, there was behind it a pink and sparkly door that Edmund remembered decorating many years ago.

"Isn't it pretty?" Edmund asked, grinning weirdly.

"It's so…SPARKLY!" cried Peter as he tried to smash it down with a ladder.

"Peter, that's just silly," Susan wryly remarked. "Use this hamster intestine."

"Okay. Good thing I took that class about how to convert animal intestines into saws back in England."

There came a crackling noise as a piece of the door finally broke free, allowing Peter to shove it open. He glanced down into the dark, and seeing as he hadn't replaced his eyes with a set of night vision goggles, he realized he couldn't locate anything. To create light and use another Sexy Ploy, he dramatically ripped off his sweater vest and shirt, with which he endeavored to erect a flashlight.

"Don't suppose you have any batteries that synergize with flannel, do you?"

Edmund began to search in his bag. "No, but…would this help?" he asked, removing a flaming torch.

"You might have mentioned that a bit sooner!" Peter exclaimed, laughing. The girls giggled cheekily and there was a lovely chortle fest.

As Edmund led the way, Peter allowed the girls to go first before entering himself, throwing away his flannel flashlight. Triumphant music began to play as the siblings swan dove down the stairs. They came to a specially lit room and gasped in awe at what remained.

Nothing.

No just kidding, there was tons of crap.

As they back-flipped down the remaining stairs, they burst through an iron-wrought gate and entered the chamber of secrets.

"I feel like that's alluding to something…" Lucy wondered aloud as she thoughtfully twirled her handlebar mustache in contemplation. And yes, this is the only point in the story where we will mention she has facial hair.

"What could it possibly be alluding to?" asked Tom Riddle.

"I have no idea," Peter mused as Tom Riddle turned into a walnut and was made into soup, essentially ruining the plot of a story whose popularity is severely lacking.

Lucy ran ahead of her siblings and skipped merrily over shards of broken glass to her chest. (_A/N: I, as in Raven, was about to make Lucy say "Don't worry; the glass is only piercing my feet about four centimeters deep" before iheartmwpp inhaled soda into her brain and eye socket and moaned in pain. It was rather amusing, but didn't quite fit into the story, so here it is!)_

Susan and Edmund went to their respective chests as Lucy removed a pair of fish nets that stretched a lot farther than her current leg length.

"I was so promiscuous," she voiced softly.

"Well, you were older then," Susan said.

"As opposed to a gabazillion years later, when you're younger," Edmund added to be funny while wearing a Viking helmet a million sizes too small.

Lucy continued sorting through her chest, sighing with joy as she came upon her maniacal objects of death and destruction: a blow torch, a chain saw, two sledgehammers, fourteen daggers, a fluffy pillow with tassels, eighty-seven leather whips, a set of golden chains and a motherload of spikes.

Susan, like her sister, was ruffling through her own chest. She discovered a book on Satan worship, five sacrificial pyres, a trident and some gummy worms. _Sour_ gummy worms.

Meanwhile, Peter was blowing off the dust on what he believed was a giant M&M. Once clean enough for his satisfaction, he gobbled it down in one gulp.

"Peter, that was your shield," Susan told him, giving him a look.

"Oh. That explains why it tasted like cardboard…"

"What is it?" Lucy spoke up suddenly.

"My ukulele," Susan explained. "I must've flushed it down the loo the day we went back."

Peter ignored Susan and focused instead on the attractive bust of himself.

"Oh yeah, I was seriously hot back then."

"Uh…that's Lucy," Edmund pointed out before turning back to his chest and laughing at his immense porn collection.

"Uh…right, I knew that!" Peter hastily amended, even though he had been horribly mistaken. To cover up his failure, he opened his chest and investigated the contents. Inside was a plate of sausages, a red ant farm, a cactus and his sword. He took out his sword and admired its cardboard structure. He began to read the inscription: "When Aslan bares his bum, winter makes him shiver."

"When he turns into a potato…" Lucy continued. "…we shall eat potato chips." Lucy put on a sad expression. "Everyone we knew…Mr. Tumnus and those icky Beavers…they're all gone… I like ellipses…"

"Well that killed the moment," Susan muttered.

"Shall we stand around looking sad for a while?"

"Oh yes, let's."

They did so. Then Peter spoke up.

"I think it's time we found out where Edmund's dress is."

"It's not a dress, it's a frilly skirt!" Edmund shouted indignantly as the chapter abruptly ended because iheartmwpp was too afraid to give Raven more chocolate.

* * *

_A/N: iheartmwpp: And since Raven's starting classes again tomorrow and I'm going back to college next Monday, we might not update for a while. Which is fine, because not too many people are reading this anyway, not even most of our old reviewers from the prequel, which is depressing. Ah, well, they can just go shove their eyes in a ceiling fan for all I care._

_Sexy Ploy. Copyright KellySquared, 2009._


	5. The Chapter, Which Dinklage Promptly Ate

_A/N: iheartmwpp: And now a chapter that literally took several weeks to write…HOORAY!_

_By the way, DEATH IS IMMINENT FOR THOSE WHO READ TO THE END!!!!!!1!!!one!!!!!!_

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Dane Cook and Yugioh Abridged. ALL HAIL SATA—I mean, LITTLE KURIBOH! Bitches.

In the blink of a staple-gun killing its next stack of paper, the scene changed to a pretty little beach surrounded by pretty little water. On three sides, not completely surrounded, or else it would be an island. An island named Coconut where I would live and eat coconuts despite there not being any trees seeing as it really seemed to be like a sandbar. Or a salad bar question mark? Yes.

Meanwhile, Peter Dinklage was enjoying his captivity. He especially liked the careful attention his captors had paid while tying his wrists with barbed wire and shoving a pointy spear in his mouth to keep him quiet. On top of that pleasantness, he was lying on a bed of porcupine quills at the bottom of a rickety little dinghy. Haha, dinghy is a funny word.

Two Tangerines, decked out in their sissy armor, were rowing the dinghy along the water. One of them glanced at the other uneasily.

"He won't stop knitting while baking a cake."

"So don't look."

"But…he's doing it with his feet. It's kind of amazing and at the same time physically impossible."

Peter Dinklage glared at Henchman Number 2 as he added flour to the mixture. In turn, the Tangerine stared back at him and contemplated the taste of a cake made with one's feet. At last, he decided that, while wearing the nicely knitted pair of little booties, the cake would taste delicious.

"You know, nameless other henchman, I don't really want to kill him. He's rather talented and I like cake."

"He made the cake with his feet. Do you know where they've been??" the other retorted.

"Umm…the ground?"

"No, genius, he was walking in the air."

Henchman Number 2 got a strange, happy gleam in his eye as he stood in the dinghy and began to sing.

_"I'm walking in the air, I'm floating in the moonlit skyyyy. The people far below are sleeping as we flyyyy!" _

"Oh, the Celtic Woman! I love them!" his partner cried out as he too leaped up and joined the other in the fabulous sing-along.

Meanwhile, the Pevensies noticed from far away that two crazy Tangerines were singing a terrible song. You see, the Pevensies only acknowledged music that was sung by dinosaurs, and not gorgeous Celtic women that comprised Celtic Woman.

"Hey, why isn't Celtic Woman pluralized?" Edmund wondered. "It's like six different people and not just one woman."

"It is a question I, too, have often pondered," Peter commented.

Susan rolled her eyes.

"Who cares?" she spat out. "I need to go on a killing rampage."

"You too?" Lucy spoke up in sudden joy.

"Living in this family, it's just a matter of time," Susan muttered. She raised her bow and shot an arrow at the dinghy. The Tangerines glanced up in surprise as Susan screamed, "Drop him!"

The Tangerines eyed one another, and then shrugged.

"Crows and crockery!" Peter Dinklage somehow managed to shout through the spear shoved down his gullet as he was hefted into the air.

"We didn't want to kill you," said Henchman Number 2 apologetically, "but she did ask nicely."

"How did she ask nicely?" asked his comrade. "She just yelled at us in a mean tone. And she just shot you in the chest with an arrow."

Henchman Number 2 looked down at his chest from which protruded the arrow.

"Ah, yes. So she did. Not very nice manners."

"Umm…aren't you going to die now?"

"Eh, I've had worse."

Henchman Number 1 raised an eyebrow.

"How could you possibly have had worse? There's an arrow sticking out of your friggin' heart! No one could possibly survive an arrow shot directly in the heart!"

"What do you mean, I feel fi—BHLEARG!!!"

As Henchman Number 2 seized up in agonizing pain and toppled off the boat, Peter Dinklage fell into the water and began to have a very happy drowning episode. The Pevensie boys dove into the water to save him, as the other henchman did the same for his now-dead friend and retreated dignifiedly with flailing arms and sausages.

Peter Dinklage sank to the bottom of the lake/river/water-like thing and waited to be rescued. Peter Pevensie swam down to get him and realized something critical.

"Oh my god, our first names are the same!" he said, even though he was underwater. It took him a moment to figure this out, and by that time, his lungs had filled with water. It didn't help that he had left his mouth open in very slow contemplation.

As the Peters drowned some more, Edmund decided to be the hero.

"Wow, I'm so awesome!" he thought as he dove underwater. Suddenly, he was distracted by a floating doughnut, and he, too, forgot that breathing is a necessary commodity of living.

Many hours passed. The girls grew very bored as they waited. Then they were all eaten by the Loch Ness monster. After that, Andrew Adamson committed suicide and the movie ended.

…Okay, maybe not.

Just then, the Loch Ness monster spat them back up and began to gag.

"They tasted like rubber coated Kleenex boxes!" it shouted disgustingly as it then dove underwater and consumed chilled monkey brains to get rid of the taste.

Ben Barnes glared at their mangled corpses.

"We didn't even get to a good part before you had to be eaten and coughed up by a giant fictional monster!" he whined dramatically. "We're not even in Scotland!"

Both iheartmwpp and Raven Wolfmoon glomped Ben whilst shrieking girlishly. Their cries of "SQUEEEEEE" were enough to wake the dead. As such, Peter, Peter, Edmund, and Andrew came back to life so they could continue the movie and not be dead. Wow, we've killed them a lot already, and it's only chapter five!

Meanwhile, Edmund was dragging something humongous onto the beach.

"What you got there, Edmund?" Lucy asked in curiosity.

"I found Canada! It was at the bottom of the lake and it was shiny!"

"That makes no sense!" Susan exclaimed as she ripped out her toupee.

Whatever she said meant nothing to the others as Peter dragged Peter who was Peter dragging Peter, who dragged Peter onto the beach.

"Wait a minute, if Peter's dragging Peter who's Peter, then how can Peter drag Peter? Think about it! It makes no sense!" iheartmwpp cried in frustration.

"You know, my character's name is Trumpkin…"

"Shut up Peter Dinklage."

Peter sighed as he reassumed his position of hostage underneath the all-powerful Peter Pevensie, who had kind of not really actually saved him.

Lucy, seeing that Peter Dinklage was still tied up, drew her knife with a flourish and in the process accidentally chopped off Susan's hand. Susan glanced down for a moment and then promptly re-grew another one.

Lucy eyed her strangely. "Susan…are you even human?"

"I don't even know anymore."

Peter Dinklage, once free of the barbed wire and spear down his throat, haggardly coughed up a frying pan with scrambled eggs in it, which he promptly ate. Then he coughed up a pool table which he promptly ate. Then he coughed up the sun, which he promptly ate, causing the world to collapse.

"Wow…you've sunk to a new low, my friend. I mean, killing everyone off TWICE in the SAME CHAPTER?? Jesus Aslan!" iheartmwpp screamed.

"You were the one who gave me a GIANT CHOCOLATE MUFFIN WHICH IS REALLY LIKE CHOCOLATE CAKE!!" Raven retorted.

"Ah, touché."

Raven proceeded to hack up some phlegm.

"I agree," iheartmwpp replied.

And no, the chapter does not get any more coherent than this. But we would like to mention that at this point, we kidnapped Ben Barnes and tied him up in our basements. We split him in half to do this.

"Drop him?!" Peter Dinklage repeated furiously as he glared at Susan. "That's the best you can come up with?"

"A simple 'thank you' would suffice, bitch!" Susan answered angrily. "I made you have a happy drowning episode!"

"True."

"So why did they tie you up and shove a spear down your gullet?" Lucy wondered innocently.

"They're Tangerines. That's what they do."

Edmund squinted into the sun…which had returned to the sky after the apocalypse due to the author's whims. "Tangerines? In Narnia? I didn't know we had that particular kind of fruit!"

Peter Dinklage snorted. "Where have you been for the last hundred years?"

"It's a bit of a long story," Lucy explained. "You see, it all started with Narnia's annual Edmund-Hunting Festival…"

"Oh who cares!" Peter Dinklage cried out. But then he noticed Peter's cardboard sword, and was able to count up to the high number of four. "You're got to be kidding me," he muttered. "PIZZA! You're it? You're the kings and queens of old?"

"We're not that old…" Peter muttered as he strutted forward and stuck out a hand. "I'm High King Peter, That Guy."

"With the Glasses?" Peter Dinklage finished excitedly.

"Pfftt. Yeah right," Edmund scoffed.

"SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING!" Lucy shouted as fireworks exploded in the background.

"You might be surprised, but I have a bad case of diarrhea," Peter sang as he danced oddly. Then he drew his cardboard sword and handed it to Peter Dinklage. He turned to Edmund with a grin. "Okay Ed, kill him," he ordered cheerfully.

"OKAY!" yelled Endmund excitedly.

"Oh #$%#$%^&*^$##$#$%$^#$%%&%$&!!" Peter Dinklage swore as he realized that he was clearly outmatched, considering that his cardboard sword was so light that it immediately blasted into outer space. However, despite his lack of a weapon, he still managed to beat the youngest Pevensie boy. How, one may ask? Well, his beard – made of yak fur – was resistant to even the toughest of metals and Edmund was not able to penetrate it.

"Beards and bedsteads!" Peter Dinklage exclaimed.

"Why do you say such stupid things??" Peter demanded incredulously.

"I blame the pandas."

"Uh…what?"

"Well, I guess the ukulele worked after all."

"What ukulele?" asked the former owner of said magical ukulele.

"OOHHH YEAHHH!!" yelled the Kool-Aid man (essentially a giant jug of juice wearing white tights) as he burst through the wall.

"What wall???" Edmund spoke up.

"Umm…loser says what?" stammered the Kool-Aid man.

"What?" Peter asked in confusion.

"Exactly."

"Grr!" Peter growled as he realized that he had been tricked.

* * *

_A/N: iheart: This is the first in a long series of mad-libs which we completed over the phone and at which we guffawed mightily._

_Raven: Come __tickle__ at WALMART, where you'll receive __painful__ discounts on all of your favorite brand name __spleens__. Our __cheesy__ and __bleeding__ associates are there to __lick__ you __12.41/2__ hours a day. Here you will find __sparkly__ prices on the __fungi__ you need. __Penguins__ for the moms, __axes__ for the kids and all the latest electronics for the __aunts__. So come on down to your __sexy__shiny__ WALMART, where the __walruses__ come first!_


	6. A Bad Case of Anorexia

_A/N: And here's another funniful chapter-type-thingy to amuse those who read it. Which is like no one because no one who read the last story and loved it is reviewing anymore, which is sad because WE WROTE IT FOR YOU! WHY DO YOU DESPISE US SO?! Ahem…Anyway, here's some crap. In a CAN! What a twist!_

**Disclaimer: **We're insane. Deal with it.

* * *

Chapter 6: A Bad Case of Anorexia

Prince Caspian had hurt his head, and it was rather hurty. After all, his skull had been completely crushed in the first chapter. It didn't help that the camera guy zoomed into his face and made his concussion even worse. Except of course, there was the fact that his injury was entirely fabricated, as evidenced when he later removed the bandage and there was not even a scratch.

Caspian blinked groggily. _Oh, my invisible wound causes so much pain and confusion!_ he moaned. He stared up at the ceiling where there was a massive beehive swarming with bees. He nearly screamed but decided against it considering that he didn't want a mouthful of bees.

Suddenly, he noticed beneath the swarm the form of a man hunched on the ceiling, holding himself up by the palms of his hands. The man appeared to be a ninja, and as he caught Caspian's eye, he removed one hand to put it over his lips in a shushing motion. Caspian gawked at him as he abruptly scuttled away. Caspian blinked and glanced around, but the ninja had disappeared.

"I think the authors are going to make me have a random episode of am—"

Raven stopped writing. "Am- what? What's that word I'm looking for?"

iheartmwpp raised an eyebrow. "Amnesia?"

"Oh, right! I was going to say Amelia. Then I was going to say anorexia, but those were horribly wrong."

iheartmwpp fell out of her chair and began to roll on the floor. No, seriously, this conversation actually took place. She's still on the floor and Raven's currently smacking herself while typing. She's rather talented at multi-tasking like that.

Caspian stood up and looked around, not recognizing his surroundings. He winced as his nonexistent injury panged him.

"This futon is so stale," came a disgruntled voice from the adjoining room.

"Why are you eating my bedding?"

"I'm hungry and your food tastes like crap. How the hell can panda bears even cook?"

"Number one, I'm not a panda bear, and number two, shut up Professor Flitwick."

"I'm not Professor Flitwick!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, my bad, Wicket."

"I'M NOT A FUCKIN' EWOK!"

"In this movie," the second voice muttered. "Anyway, I think I'll just give him some hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and a red balloon. He should be coming around soon."

"I don't think I hit him hard enough."

"Uh…what's your name—?"

"I told you, Trufflehunter, my name is Brick-click-crick-dick-flick-glick-hick-kick-lick-mick-nick-pick-prick-quick-rick-sick-slick-stick-tick-trick-vick-wick! But you can call me Likadik."

"Right…Likadik, he's just a boy…"

"He's a Tangerine, not some enemy soldier! You said you were gonna get rid of him!"

"No, I said I'd kill him!"

"Doesn't that mean the same thing???"

"Shut up, Flitwick!"

"It's Likadik, for your information!"

"Well, we can't kill him now. I just…wait I forgot."

"Looks to me like you're suffering from a case of anorexia."

"Ah yes, Likadik, you're probably right."

Meanwhile, Caspian had crept to the opening and peered out. What he saw was rather startling, I mean, there was a fuckin' animal talking! The first thing that came to mind as Caspian jumped out was: _I love your curtains!_

"AHH!!" shouted the voices as there was general clamor in the house/pod/thingy.

Likadik responded by drawing his sword as Caspian quickly fumbled for a weapon. The closest thing near him was an armored tank, which he hurriedly manned and ended up blowing off the top of the badger's house.

"Stop, stop!" Trufflehunter cried as he chucked a grenade at Caspian. Violence was usually a good way to stop conflicts.

"I told you we should have buttered and stripped him when we had the chance!"

"Damn we totally should have! He's sexy!"

"…Trufflehunter, sometimes I don't even know you anymore…"

"That's because I'm actually Michael Jackson!" Trufflehunter removed his suit and revealed himself to be the nominal popstar.

"Wow, what a twist!" Caspian exclaimed before falling to his knees and shrieking in agony, "How do you keep finding me????!!!!"

"Alright imposter, what did you do with the real Trufflehunter?"

"I _am_ the real Trufflehunter!" He unzipped his costume and reemerged as his dear old badger self.

The other two stared at him.

"What the hell was the point of that?" Likadik demanded.

Trufflehunter shrugged. "Eh, it's a side job."

Likadik harrumphed and then lunged at Caspian again. "DIE!!"

"No, stop it! We can't kill him!" Trufflehunter cried whilst sacrificing a petticoat.

"If we're taking a vote, I'm with him," Caspian added.

"Well we can't let him go! He's seen us!"

Caspian shook his head. "No I haven't! See?" He covered his eyes with his hands. "Lalalala I can't see anything! Lalalalala!" Caspian began to run around in circles blindly and accidentally crashed into the beehive, causing quite a disturbance in the Force.

Likadik found it rather amusing that Caspian was getting stung and chased by a massive gaggle of bees. Still, he wanted in on the action. He stabbed forward but was stopped by Trufflehunter's next haunting words.

"Enough, Likadik, or do I have to shit on your head again?"

Likadik suddenly got caught up in a horrific flashback which reduced him to tears as he rocked back and forth in the corner.

"And you, look what you made me do!" Trufflehunter continued, addressing Caspian angrily. "I spent half the morning on those hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and a red balloon!"

The bees gave up on trying to find places to sting after Caspian stumbled out of their horde, appearing completely unscathed but actually suffering deeply inside. He finally took the time to analyze the conversation he had just had, and decided that he was rather baffled.

"What are you?" he asked.

"You know, it's funny that you would ask that, considering that you're talking to a ball on a stick. I'm CGI animation, you see."

Caspian was surprised. "I am surprised that you are Narnians, especially considering that you're supposed to have gone to the Grey Havens…"

Trufflehunter hacked up some phlegm. "Wrong movie," he coughed violently.

"Oh, I meant that I thought you were all deaded."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Likadik spat as he stood up from the corner, desperately trying to hide his remaining shudders.

Trufflehunter set a bowl on the table. "Here you go. Still in marmalade form."

Likadik scoffed disapprovingly. "Since when did we open a brothel for Tangerines?"

Caspian raised an eyebrow. "Fruit…porn?"

"Hehehehe…"

"I am not a soldier!" Caspian declared as he stood proudly, only to whack his head on the ceiling. "I am Prince Caspian, the XXXVIII!"

"Why did you say aloud the x's and v's? Why didn't you just say the number?"

"I…I…wanted to sound smartly!"

"I see," Trufflehunter replied, deadpan.

"What are you doing here?"

"I JUST WANTED TO BELONG!!" Caspian wailed suddenly. "My uncle was such a meanie-face and he only let me live this long so I could take out the garbage! He hates touching garbage! It's all leaky and icky!!"

"Oh…that changes things…"

"Just by like A LOT!" screamed Likadik. "At least now we won't have to kill you ourselves."

"You're right!" Caspian cried adamantly, pumping his fist in the air. "I should go back out there into the danger, and walk straight into the enemy's traps so I may be ensnared and overcome like the wuss I am!"

"But you can't leave! You're supposed to save us!" Trufflehunter yelled as he hacked up the blood-spattered ukulele. "Don't you know what this is?"

"Dah…" Caspian muttered, drool spilling down his chin.

* * *

*TRANSITION SEQUENCE*

* * *

Meanwhile, the professor was hopping down the hallway of the castle. After slamming into thousands of knights in armor and suffering severe hernias, he decided to stop and glance into a room whose door was open a crack. Inside, he heard a strange rattling noise and thought it best to investigate.

As he stepped in the door, he halted as he noticed Lord Miraz rifling through…well, nothing really. They were in an outhouse. What was there to rifle through?

"You have quite a library, doctor," Miraz commented snidely.

"Umm…do you even know what a library is?" the professor questioned.

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME AND MY INTELLIGENTNESS??" Miraz screeched inhumanly as he glared at the professor.

"…No?"

"Oh, good."

"Is there anything in particular you seek, my Lord?"

Miraz stooped to eye a marking on one of the walls. It was graffiti from years past that read, _I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous._

"I think I've already found what I'm looking for…" Miraz drawled slyly, glancing at another piece of graffiti that read, _Help, the paranoids are after me!_ Suddenly he smiled excitedly. "Look I founds an arrow! It was in a dead corpse!"

"How can a corpse be dead? By definition, it means 'dead body.' It'd be redundant to say dead dead body, don't you think?" the professor interrupted.

"Maybe you're right, but nows I is angry!" Miraz cried abruptly as he violently stabbed the arrow down into a desk. What he didn't realize was that he had stabbed the arrow through his hand.

"Why is there a desk in the outhouse?" the professor wondered aloud.

"Hmm? Oh, well I guess Glozelle got lazy. _Very_ lazy."

"Sir? You realize that the arrow is going through your hand."

Miraz glanced down. "Ah yes, look at that." He began to laugh awkwardly and the professor joined in. There was a humongous uncomfortable silence after that while Miraz and the professor shuffled on their feet.

"Doesn't that hurt, my Lord?" the professor spoke up at last.

"Yes. Only a bit, though. When you're a rabid vampire squirrel, you're kind of impervious to pain."

"Wow, impervious is a big word for you!"

"Thanks!" Miraz answered with a smile. "I learned it by looking it up in the dictionary over there!"

"…That's not a dictionary…that's a rabid ostrich."

"Oh. Wait, I didn't know ostriches could be rabid!"

The ostrich's eyes widened as he let out a bloodcurdling scream.

"God, I hate it when my blood curdles. Then it doesn't taste good!" Miraz complained. "Anywho, speaking of ostriches, what do you know of Queen Susan's ukulele?"

The professor replied, "It was said to be able to summon a bottle of water."

"A bottle of water? My throat is parched…" Miraz stated ominously.

"Of course, that's only superstition," the professor added. "Muaahahaha I know so many things and I have revealed them all to Caspian! You'll never discover how much I have undermined you! Muahahaha!"

"…You just said that out loud," Miraz pointed out.

"Oh. Whoops."

Suddenly Glozelle entered the room without any pants on.

"What are you doing in my office?" he demanded petulantly.

"Why aren't you wearing any pants?" Miraz retorted.

"…He's a witch! Burn him!" Glozelle cried, pointing at the professor.

The professor shrugged. "Better than the hanging I had last week. Anyway, I will say this." He got up in Miraz's face. "Even if Caspian knows the Deep Magic involved with summoning bottled water, you'll still probably be able to beat him because he's kind of an idiot."

"Cool!" Miraz exclaimed as he ripped the arrow out of his hand. He turned to Glozelle as some other nameless henchman dragged the professor away. "Look Glozelle! I founds an arrow in a deaded corpse!"

Glozelle suddenly began to cry. "He was my best friend and now that he's dead he can't play croquet with me! I also wanted him to bake me a soufflé!" he wailed in distraught.

"There, there," Miraz comforted him. "Now go off to plan some murderous conspiracies with Sally."

"Okay," Glozelle hiccupped. He descended the stairs and was met by Sally.

"FIRst the PrINCE…nOW HIs tutOR!" Sally screeched. He then began to construct an igloo, desperately ignoring his other lines. Glozelle, for one, was thankful that Sally didn't have to deafen him fully due to the author's laziness.

"Those are dangerous igloos, Lord Sally. They're filled with dynamite!"

"BUt tHEse ARe dANgerOUS tiMES, general," Sally answered quickly. "CHOOse sTUff careFully!"

"Hmm, I shall consider your insane babble," Glozelle murmured as Sally was called away and Glozelle returned to Miraz in the outhouse.

"How long until the earthworms finish digesting my toe?"

"Well, they appear to have just started so it may take a while," Glozelle said as Sally entered the room.

"That's not good enough!" Miraz yelled. "I shall now lower my voice to threaten you, Sally. Do you feel threatened?"

"YEs, I DO feEL rATHer inTIMidATED," Sally uttered.

"Good. Now take your men to Burger King because it's time you learned your history!"

"You really botched up those lines, sir," Glozelle mentioned.

"Well, I _am_ feeling rather fat and sassy today. I'm more of a skippy rabid happy vampire fairy squirrel today," Miraz explained.

"Ah, okay then."

The chapter decided to give up.

_A/N: Raven:__ So yeah…it's been a while since we updated…and I happened to be particularly insane last night so we decided to embark upon another chapter. Oh joy._

_iheartmwpp:__ Mind you, this isn't the first time Raven has been insane enough to write Narnia. I tell her we should do it all the time because she's crazy ALL THE TIME but she's always like "Nah, screw Narnia." _

_Raven:__ Well, can you blame me? It's no fun when we don't get reviews…what do I have to do to get more reviews?? I NEEDS THEM!! *is foaming at the mouth*_

_iheartmwpp:_ _So yeah…unless you guys want me to send you a package in the mail (which will contain a rather rabid Raven who will proceed to eat you) REVIEW!!_

_Oh, and here's another lovely madlib we filled out that you may enjoy, based on _The Series of Unfortunate Events_. And don't forget to REVIEW!!_

After the tragic Allen Walker of their nephews twice removed, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire travel from oatmeal to oatmeal by a/an flat friend of their nephews twice removed, Mr. Poe. The orphans stay with Elvis Impersonator Montgomery Montgomery and duck-wise Josephine Anwhistle, but the cheerful one is Count Olaf, a/an bloody and greedy boot, who, with the help of his dentist -- the drunk man, the hook-esophagus-ed man, the person of undeterminable Captain Crunch, and the two evil-faced women, tries to imagine the Baudelaire chocolate. To do this, he disguises himself in the forms of Paperclip, Stephano, Tony the Tiger and Julio Sham.


	7. Gotta Kill 'Em All!

_A/N: Raven: So last night, I had a dream where I was on a mission to stop this bad guy. At first, I was with the other authoress here, iheartmwpp, and then I think I turned into Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender. One of our first missions together was to blow up this plane that was like the giant wooden one that Montgomery Burns flew in a random Simpsons episode. We waited for our plane to get really close to the other plane, and then I ripped out some of my hair, tied it to the enemy's plane and set it on fire. As our plane made its getaway, the evil one exploded. Because hair does that, apparently? Anyways, I was then sent alone to infiltrate the evil guy's lair, who I think was Zuko from Avatar as well (I LOVES HIM!!) On the way to get there, I was driving on this road in my hometown and there was an elephant on it…I think I passed underneath it? Back at the evil lair, I was discovered as an enemy and was ordered to be executed, but I was out shopping so I didn't hear of that until I got back. At that point I escaped to headquarters where Ron Weasley was, for some reason. It was actually rather terrifying, because I really thought that I was going to die. Scary._

_iheartmwpp: …Only you would have a dream about Weiss Kreuz/Knight Hunters, The Simpsons, America's Funniest Home Videos, Avatar, Ron Weasley, and elephants._

_Raven: What can I say? My subconsciousness is fucked up. Although I must say that it is REALLY CREATIVE in finding ways to combine everything that I've experienced in the past few days… _

Disclaimer: Prince Caspian, The Lord of the Rings, Pokémon, Pinocchio, Princess Bride, Harry Potter, and Canada.

* * *

"Uh, Andrew? Mr. Adamson, sir?"

The director glanced back at an assistant who was tugging on his shirt.

"What is it?" Andrew demanded impatiently.

"I think…I think one of the cameramen drowned."

Andrew stared at the man for a moment, and then nodded.

"That would explain the numerous underwater shots…I probably shouldn't have told him to film down there for several hours without taking a break for air…"

Meanwhile, the scene continued up to view the Pevensies and Peter Dinklage rowing the boat Lady Galadriel had given them. As they flowed down the Great River, they noticed accompanying boats pull up beside them, and they waved to their fellow passersby.

"Hi Aragorn!" Susan cried out as he and his boat passed the others.

"Hey, Susan!" Pippin answered in response from another boat as he waved ecstatically.

"Where you all headed?" Edmund spoke up eagerly.

"Well, Frodo and Sam will head off to Mount Doom soon enough, and I'm going to Amon Hen to get shot with arrows and die!" Boromir said excitedly. "Then my body will be put in a boat and sent over a waterfall, but it won't fall out because my brother has to find it in the Two Towers!"

Edmund frowned. That didn't sound particularly fun for him…

"Way to spoil the ENTIRE PLOT OF EVERYTHING!!" screamed an angry fan who was actually a Pokémon who was actually a cross-dresser who was actually a smurf. Actually.

Once the offending cast of the Lord of the Rings disappeared, the scene continued on normally. Peter was rowing the boat, because he was manly…well, he thought he was rowing the boat. He was actually having a seizure. Luckily the boat was being pulled by a chain underwater, which in turn was being pulled by a beluga cactus and a desert whale.

Susan pouted her lips in a pouty way as she pouted, so it would look like she was pouting. The reason behind this was that Andrew wanted them to appear sad at the utterly stunning landscape around them. New Zealand was a hideous place, after all, full of fire and dementors and Satan and demons and thestrals and skeletons and Scooby-Doo and goblins and werewolves and pancakes and sparkly vampires and Robert Pattinson and Blockbuster and the Macarena and Ghost Nappa.

Lucy, in the meantime, was observing the trees and hoping to kill them with her sporadic laser vision.

"They're so still," she complained, wishing she could have moving targets. They were more fun to destroy when they were moving.

"They're trees," Peter Dinklage commented. "And if we were giants, and we ate them, it'd be like we were eating broccoli."

"They used to BOOGIE! Hit it, boys!" Lucy shouted. Upon her command, the entire cast of Narnia emerged from the forest and commenced an elaborately choreographed dance sequence. Considering that the main people were on a boat in a river, many unfortunate members perished from drowning. They were later commemorated by being made into zombies…which is actually a horrible way to honor their deaths…but Susan insisted since she needed more minions.

The trees, however, were rather rude and completely avoided dancing with the others. Feeling snubbed, the rest of the crew turned them into wood.

"Wasn't long after you left that stuff happened, and the trees became emo douche bags," Peter Dinklage stated ominously.

"I don't understand. How could Aslan have let this happen?" Lucy wondered aloud, perplexed.

"Aslan?" Peter Dinklage cut in. "Thought he abandoned us when you lot did."

"But it was the breastesses of Chompy…" Susan stated in a haunted voice. "They were evil…"

"Oh GOD! NOT THE BREATESSES OF CHOMPY!!" Peter Dinklage moaned.

"Waka, waka, waka!" agreed Pinnochio.

"Anyway, we really wanted to leave, you know," said Peter. "We were dying to abandon all of you to suffering and pain. Oh, and agony. Misery is also a fun word. I like to talk with my words," he continued intelligently.

"Peter, are you still seizuring?" Edmund spoke up.

Peter glanced down at himself. "Why, I do believe I am! GENITALIA!"

"Yeah, what he said," Edmund agreed.

"Take us to the Narnians, and we'll kick ASS!" Peter added. "GENITALIA!"

"The mystery Dum-Dum is BLUE!" Lucy added for good measure.

"WARTORTLE!" said Wartortle.

"…Yeeeeeaaah," Peter Dinklage sighed as the scene suddenly began to fade into the distance. The camera itself had decided to leave the group, and was flying away as fast as its nonexistent wings could carry it.

"No! The camera's getting away!" Edmund shouted.

"Don't worry. I'll get it," Lucy said menacingly as she used her laser vision to blow it up.

Thus, it took several more hours for a replacement to be found, and by that time, they had reached the beach.

Igglybuff.

As Lucy jumped out of the waffle boat, Edmund hastily tried to cover up the fact that he had been dragging Canada all this time. Susan noticed and smacked Edmund on the head with a herring. Edmund, being allergic to all fish, immediately detonated. Only his smoking feet remained, well, except for the rest of his body since he was actually a hologram.

"So I'm not human, and you are a piece of technology that hasn't even been invented yet?" Susan demanded testily.

"And I'm a pie!" Peter declared, feeling left out.

"Really?" Susan glared at her elder brother. "You're a pie?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because there's a hungry bear over there that probably wants to rip your face off, shred apart your skin, and completely eviscerate you! I wants to pet it!" Lucy cried out.

Peter Dinklage eyed Lucy strangely as she approached the wild bear.

"HELLO! WE'RE FRIENDLY FRIENDS!" she screamed at it. The bear turned around and raised an eyebrow. Unfortunately, Lucy didn't know that this bear was actually Japanese, so he hadn't understood a word she said.

"IT'S ALRIGHT!" Lucy continued deafeningly as the bear stood up on its hind legs and then dropped to all fours to charge straight at her. Behind her, her siblings and Peter Dinklage looked on with varying degrees of stupidity on their faces.

"Oh, don't worry," Lucy called over her shoulder to them. "The bear is just stampeding at me with friendship in mind. He may be snarling, and saliva may be dripping down his chin in anticipation of a meal, but I'm sure he's only headed my way to give me a hug!"

With quick thinking, seeing as the bear was still charging at Lucy with friendship not entirely on his mind, Peter grabbed Peter Dinklage and hurled him at the bear as a sacrifice.

"GAHHHH!! ARGHHLKNALI!!" Peter Dinklage cried as he was ripped apart and pieces of him were strewn in all directions.

"Now that's not very nice," Lucy chided the bear. "If you really want to be his friend, you'd cut out his heart and take a bite out of it!"

At this, Peter Dinklage wondered what kind of practices the Kings and Queens of Old had really indulged in… But wait, how can he be wondering anything if he was ripped apart? Doesn't that indicate that he had a pleasant experience with death? Wouldn't his brain have turned into shredded coconut husks?

But, surprisingly enough, while the bear was tearing Peter Dinklage apart, it began to cough strangely. Apparently, the yak fur was too thick, and the bear's poor narrow throat could not handle such material. Instead, the bear's throat decided to commit suicide, which in turn killed the bear seeing as its esophagus was a necessary component of keeping him alive, what with the trachea and the food thingy.

"Why wouldn't the bear want a hug?" Susan demanded.

Jigglypuff.

From the beach, where Peter Dinklage's mouth was located, came the words, "I suspect he was hungry."

"How are you even alive if your body parts are strewn in all directions?" Edmund asked curiously. "Hell, your mouth is not even connected to your voice box. How are you talking?"

"Narnia is a fucking weird place."

"I concord," Lucy agreed.

"Don't you mean 'concur'?" Susan pointed out.

"Concord grapes? I'm a grape pie!" Peter declared. The others stared at him but were unsure if he was still seizuring or acting normally. Considering his deformed dancing and strange twitching, they assumed he was fine.

"Umm…can you guys help put me back together?"

The Pevensies glanced at each other and agreed to help Peter Dinklage. They commenced re-attaching his body with peanut butter. Unfortunately, the bear from earlier had some friends in the forest, and they liked peanut butter. After Peter Dinklage was eaten for the thirtieth time by _another_ bear, the Pevensies ran out of peanut butter. Edmund, seeing as Canada was still propped up onshore, decided to steal some of its natural elements and used the maple syrup he gathered to stick Peter Dinklage back together.

"…togebah today. Mawwage that bwessed awwangement, the dweam within a dweam and wuv, twue wuv!" iheartmwpp cried in an annoying voice as she quoted the movie Princess Bride.

Raven gritted her teeth in aggravation at iheartmwpp's shrill tone and decided to end it by writing aloud.

"…and then an arrow came through the window and impaled iheartmwpp in the brain, shattering all hopes of life so that I would never have to hear her annoying voice ever again."

iheartmwpp pouted in Raven's direction. "You could have just told me to shut up."

Raven then commenced chortling and guffawing at the realization that she would never be able to escape the nightmare that was her friend.

Peter Dinklage rolled his eyes as he was able to function somewhat normally, despite random animals sticking to him as they tried to lick off the maple syrup that held him together. Currently, there was a moose stuck to his back that he was forced to drag along.

Wigglytuff.

"The bear was wild," Edmund remarked.

"Yes!" Peter shouted as he picked up the bear carcass and threw it at Edmund. There was no point to that action, so no one said anything more pertaining to it. "I don't think he could talk at all!"

"He spoke Japanese, actually," Susan said. "As Satan, I know these things."

"So what happened?" Lucy asked.

"You get treated like a dumb animal long enough, that's what you become," Peter Dinklage stated wisely.

"Wow, that was deep," Edmund said, drooling. "By the way, there's a camel stuck to your back now."

Peter Dinklage swore angrily.

"Don't forget the caterpillar mutant keyhole's shark-infested ferret-like pumpkin Hobbit head," Lucy reminded him. "Oh and it's eating your cephalopods."

* * *

_AN: Raven: So that opening joke, the whole thing with the cameraman drowning, made me laugh until I cried. When I thought of it, it was just so ridiculous!! I don't know if I was able to convey how funny I found that image, but maybe it isn't actually THAT funny and I was just in a weird mood…actually, that's probably what happened. On a similar note, Jigglypuff is my favorite Pokémon EVUR! iheartmwpp and I actually watched an episode of Pokémon this morning when it was good in Season 1, called The Ancient Puzzle of Pokémopolis! It includes a giant Alakazam, a giant Gengar, and a fucking kick-ass giant Jigglypuff! YAY!_

_iheart: Raven is aiming to be the next Pokémon master!_


	8. Deadly Crossbows of Deathly DoomTM

_A/N: iheartmwpp: So I wrote most of this chapter again, since Raven's got a good 53 original stories she's working on, not to mention trying to help me with my Narutarded-ness. Oh, and real life sucks. A lot._

**Disclaimer: **We don't own _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _Harry Potter_, _Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series_, _Final Fantasy_, _The Lion King 1 ½_, _South Park_, _Family Guy_,_ Avater: The Last Airbender_,_ Sweeney Todd_, Crispin Freeman (DAMN IT!), or Eddy Izzard.

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Caspian was busy trying to navigate through a large area of random crap that the crewmembers had left lying around in the middle of the forest. He occasionally paused to look at the various potted plants, scarecrows, hair dryers, bread pudding, Venus fly traps, the _Prince Caspian_ script, chocobos, ballerina outfits, evil monkeys that live in closets, Firebolts, trees, kidneys, the floors of random warehouses, Mr. Hanky, bicycles built for two, severed heads and other assorted limbs, toasties, the Spanish Inquisition, turkeys, giant hams, shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top, wind chimes, dragons, clichéd fanfiction plots, tap-dancing spiders, strawberry fields forever, a pod of moles, snowboards, Crispin Freeman, penguins, giant friendly mushrooms, razor blades, coconuts, and Venomous Tentaculas. As he bent over to smell them, his ass was clearly visible as thongs really don't cover up that much. Likadik and Trufflehunter were busy enjoying the view when Caspian stood up.

"I can hear you drooling, you know," he commented idly, turning around to face them.

"How the bloody hell can you _hear_ someone drooling?" asked Likadik.

"How come your entire character design was changed for _Prisoner of Azkaban_?" countered Caspian.

"You know, I'm not entirely sure, I heard it was going to be explained in a deleted scene but it was nowhere on the DV—hey! For the last time, I'm not Flitwick!"

"Riiiiight. I don't believe you."

"Anyway, I still think we should wait for the main characters to show up," piped up Trufflehunter.

"Um, what's the title of the movie, bitchface?" Caspian said scathingly as he continued on.

"Fine! Go then!" the badger called after the prince. "Just don't blame us when you get acid poured into your eyes and spears shoved between your ribs and your limbs get ripped off one by one and feathers tickle your feet!"

"Ooooh, I definitely want to see that!" cried Likadik, jumping up and down while clapping his hands together excitedly. "I can't wait until the Cochickostishes eviscerate you and feast on your testicles while you watch helplessly!"

"Wow, morbid much, you guys?" commented the epitome of sexiness. "And what's this about Cochickostishes? You mean they actually exist?"

"Yep. And they don't generally produce happy feelings," said the badger.

"And they're kinda big," said the puppy-dog man.

"No shit," muttered Trufflehunter.

"What about centaurs?" queried Caspian. "Do they still exist?"

"Oh hell yeah. And they're design is much more consistent and realistic than the first and fifth Harry Potter movies."

"We seem to be referencing Harry Potter quite a bit in this chapter, Mr. Hufflepuff Mascot."

"Yeah, well, that's what you get when you let iheartmwpp write the chapter due to Raven's laziness. Unfortunately, this might be common with the rest of the parody. Hopefully it won't suck as much as the prequel." They guffawed mightily at the thought of iheartmwpp actually possessing writing talent.

"So anyway," Trufflehunter went on after their lovely chortle fest, "since the centaurs are also pretty damn sexy, they'll probably side with you. But since the rest are rather average looking animals, who knows what they might do."

Caspian looked thoughtful as they walked, trying not to knock over the flying fishcakes and failing miserably.

"What about Aslan?" he finally asked.

The puppy-dog man and the badger suddenly stopped and turned to stare at Ben Barns' toned chest.

"How do you know so much about us?" Likadik questioned accusingly.

"Internet," replied Caspian easily.

"Wait a minute," protested Trufflehunter. "Your father gave you access to the Internet so you could Google Narnia?"

"No, my professor showed me lots of Narnia fanfiction. In fact, everything I know about Narnia, I got from reading incest fics."

"We're doomed," Likadik concluded.

"Listen, I'm sorry," said Caspian. "I really don't want to talk about that traumatic experience right now." He pushed past them to keep going onwards.

Trufflehunter suddenly started sniffing the air.

"What is it?" asked Likadik.

"Flatulence," was the reply.

"Him?" Likadik pressed, motioning to Caspian.

"Hey!" the prince protested.

"No, it was those guys," said the badger, waving over to where several of Miraz's men waved merrily back before picking up their Deadly Crossbows of Deathly DoomTM.

"Huh," said Caspian. "Shall we run for our lives?"

"Oh yes, let's," answered Trufflehunter. All three of them started running, not even bothering to try and dodge the laser-firing lima beans anymore.

The Tangerines immediately started to give chase. One of them paused to shoot his Deadly Crossbow of Deathly DoomTM, and the camera somehow followed the arrow perfectly. Am I the only one who finds that just a bit silly? I mean, everyone else loves that shot, but I have no idea why. Seriously, what is wrong with you people? How can you find it cool? It just serves to take away from the action, and that's the whole reason I'm watching this damn movie besides Caspian's hotness! Oh, right, this is a humor/parody type thing. I'm supposed to try and be funny, not go on rants about scenes I didn't like, that's Raven's job. Heh heh, Tonton.

Ahem…Anyway, the arrow hit a tree that was about twenty million miles away from Caspian. The prince laughed at the man's incompetence before sprinting onwards. More arrows were sent whizzing in their general direction, but not one of them even came close. One managed to get within ten miles of where they were running, but the rest just sailed harmlessly into other galaxies and dimensions.

"Ha HA! You all suck! Narnia rules!" shouted Trufflehunter, halting to shake his ass at their pursuers.

"Okay, that's it!" shouted one of the Tangerines, fed up with being Soldier A and therefore having to fail at life. He took actual aim with his Deadly Crossbow of Deathly DoomTM and managed to hit Trufflehunter right in the ass, sending him tumbling into a giant bedside table and killing it, the bastard.

"Oh snap!" cried Likadik after seeing his…friend?…get hit.

"Well what are you waiting for?" asked Caspian. "Go save him!"

"But—but—but they have Deadly Crossbows of Deathly DoomTM!"

"Oh fine, I'll get him." Caspian rushed over to the fallen badger, who held up the ukulele in desperation.

"Take it! Go!" he pleaded. "It's more important than I am!"

"Yeah, but I kinda have to be the hero and stuff," said Caspian, shoving the ukulele into his bag and hoisting the badger over his shoulder.

Suddenly, what little remained of the crewmember's random crap started to rustle, because stuffed animals and armchairs can rustle. For some reason, the Tangerines couldn't pinpoint the location of this new adversary, despite the fact that most of the crap had been knocked over and there was really no place left for him/her/it to hide. Either way, the new thingy began picking off the Tangerines one by one. Caspian used the distraction to start running again, his black, silky locks trailing behind him as he ran…drool…

Oh, right, the pathetic excuse of plot that I'm trying to go with here.

Caspian continued to run and the Tangerines tried to follow him, but as they were slowly but surely getting killed off by the mysterious new thingy that still hasn't been revealed yet. Man, describing him like this is getting annoying. REVEAL YOURSELF, DAMNIT! Caspian then gave the badger to the puppy-dog man, before turning around and drew his sword to face off against the last Tangerine, who was busy trying to fend off the tentacle porn monster that I had to include at some point. This is on the Internet, after all. Oh, and that mysterious new enemy type thing that kept popping up. Caspian watched in horror as the Tangerine in front of him was cut down with ease. Suddenly, Caspian was knocked to the ground by a small mouse, who drew his sword with his tail and pointed it at the prince's neck.

"Choose your last words carefully, Tangerine," said the newcomer, breathing heavily.

"…You are a mouse," stated Caspian.

Said mouse sighed heavily.

"I was hoping for something a little more original," said the voice of Eddy Izzard, making most of his lines impossible for me to parody. He's epic like that. "Pick up your sword," he said, motioning to where Caspian's sword was lying a good three miles away.

"Sorry, but my arm can't stretch that far," apologized Caspian.

"Then go get it, bitch! I will not fight an unarmed man."

"Then how about I just stay unarmed so we don't have to fight?"

"I said I would not fight you. I didn't say I'd let you live!"

"Reepicheep!" Trufflehunter called out, limping over to them. "Please don't cut his nipples off, they're needed for his manly sex appeal."

"What is it with you Narnians and your weird-ass methods of torture?" asked Caspian, more than a little freaked out by this point.

"Trufflehunter?!" cried Reepicheep. He's the Eddy Izzard mouse, BTW. "Dude, read the atmosphere before you interrupt someone! I was just about to start killing him slowly and painfully!"

"Sweet! Go ahead!" said Likadik, pulling out a tub of popcorn.

"He's the one who played the ukulele!" Trufflehunter insisted.

"Bwha-bwah-BWAAAH?!" cried Reepicheep in shock.

"Then let him bring it forward," said a random centaur as he and several others fell from the sky. "This is the reason we have fallen from the sky," he explained as he gazed at Caspian, marveling at how there could be a human who was sexier than him. He'd heard about High King Peter and the faun Tumnus, but DAMN!

* * *

_A/N: iheart: The only contribution that Raven Wolfmoon made to the entire chapter is this random line about Tumnus that she came up with after reading it:_

_**James McAvoy smells like crayon juice dipped in battery acid and then covered in spruce trees.**_

_Aaaaaaaaaand yeah, that's kind of the start of me seemingly writing the rest of the parody by myself. Should be fun. Hopefully it won't suck entirely._

_And about Flitwick's change of costume in the Harry Potter films: I've recently found out that there was just going to be some new random chorus teacher in the third film for the sake of that one song, but since he was supposed to be small they just asked Warwick Davis to play him too. He was going to play both him and Flitwick, but then Flitwick never really showed up again in the movie, so they kind of just went with that new look and didn't bother explaining it. They get Warwick to play all their shorter roles, essentially; he was two of the goblins at Gringotts in the first film and he's gonna be playing Griphook again in at least one of the final films, depending on where the cut-off point is. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle. G. I. JOOOOOOOOE!_


	9. ESMMPPP

_A/N: iheart: Happy New Year, everyone who is still reading this! Personally, I think I did pretty well with this one. Though I did insert a bit of randomness that Raven wrote months ago, but it's pretty small and I don't think anyone will be able to find it. Oh, and Raven, you know you so totally love that song now, so nya!_

**Disclaimer:** We don't own anything from _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _The Simpsons_, _Finding Nemo_, _Naruto: The Abridged Series_,_ Okami_, _Monty Python_, or any of the crap that's playing on Bravo these days. Seriously, the only decent thing on there is _West Wing_ reruns.

* * *

So anyway, there was a deleted scene on the Prince Caspian DVD, but it didn't really specify where it took place so I'll just assume it's around here. The four siblings and Peter Dinklage were wandering around in the woods when a cluster of poorly computer generated leaves started to rise up from the ground and swirl around a large white ball attached to a stick held by someone off camera. The five of them stared at this for a while when the leaves decided to explode for no adequately explored reason.

"Well that was weird and pointless," commented Susan.

The five of them skipped off merrily until they reached a rocky area, which Edmund and Peter abruptly slammed into. The two sisters laughed maniacally as their brothers wiped the blood off their cracked skulls while Peter Dinklage attempted to ignore their existence. They walked around for a bit before Susan finally spoke up.

"I don't remember this way."

"That's the problem with people with vaginas," said Peter, sneering at her. "You can't carry a map in your heads," he went on, slipping his hand through the crack in his skull to pull out a map of the Narnia they once knew.

"…Have you kept that map there this whole time?"

"Yep! And it didn't even cost me any brain dama-dama-dama-dama-dama-dama-dama-damage," said Peter, his head jerking weirdly. Peter Dinklage gaped at him and pondered asking if he was all right, but as his siblings seemed entirely unconcerned, he decided this must be normal.

"I wish he'd just listen to the E.S.M.M.P.P.P. in the first place," Susan complained to her sister.

"E.S.M.M.P.P.P.?" questioned Edmund.

"Extremely Small Minute Midget Petite Pipsqueak Person," explained Lucy.

"One day, I will kill all of you," said Peter Dinklage, glaring at the sisters while Edmund laughed his ass off. "It will be slow and painful."

"Yay!" cheered Lucy. "That's the best kind of death there is!"

"…I hate you."

They came to a cave with about thirty-seven openings. Peter stared around at each one.

"I'm not lost!" he insisted, stamping his foot on the ground and flailing his arms around.

"No, you're just going the completely wrong way and have no idea where we are," said Peter Dinklage.

"I told you to ask that humpback whale we saw in that tree earlier for directions," said Susan.

"I don't need directions!" her elder brother insisted.

"What is it with men and asking for directions?" she asked.

"Well, we're forced into certain gender roles from a very young age," Lucy explained. "Women are supposed to appear helpless, so we are encouraged to ask for help whenever possible. Men, however, are expected to do everything on their own, so they are taught to ask for help less or not at all. Conditioning for this kind of behavior can begin as early as infancy. Mothers are actually more likely to ignore their infants' cries if they're male than if they're female."

"Wow, that actually explains a lot," said Susan.

"Yeah, but when the hell did you get a college education in psychology?" asked Edmund. "You're like ten and almost as dumb as Peter!"

Peter would have commented, but he had found a shiny rock and was currently caressing it fondly and naming it George.

"I was taking night classes were you were on vacation," Lucy told Edmund.

"I went on vacation?"

"Yes, don't you remember? It was at the island of SHUT THE HELL UP!" she screeched, kicking Edmund in his happy place and sending him keeling over in pain. His siblings laughed appreciatively.

"Yeah, that's great, can we get back to the matter at hand, please?" begged Peter Dinklage.

"Why?" asked Peter. "What's the matter with your hand?"

Everyone groaned while Peter guffawed at his sick, sick pun. Lucy became so enraged that she pulled out her beloved chainsaw from her sock and proceeded to hack her eldest brother's limbs off.

"I never thought he'd sink that low," muttered Susan, massaging her forehead as blood and body parts flew everywhere.

"Uh-huh, anyway we're a third of the way through the movie and we still haven't met up with the rest of the cast yet!" shrieked the E.S.M.M.P.P.P. "Can we please get a move on some time before the next Narnia movie comes out?"

Aw, Ichigo is working off his little tuckus! Oh snap, Ulquiorra is NUMBER FOUR!! Yon-ban desu! Ooh…aww Ulquiorra's tickling Ichigo's heart! How cute!! Haha I hear Ichigo's voice and I picture his voice actor kicking ass on the wii… Ichigo just crashed through like 8 pillars and there is no body damage! Wow. Did I mention that he is definitely 15? Grimmjow is a puppy! Ichigo is a stinky, meanie doo-doo face!! Don't die Ichigo, or my eyes will ASPLODE WITH JELLO!!! See, they're watering!!! These hoses really do come in handy sometimes… Grimmjow has a King Complex!! Like Elvis!! Did you notice the orchestral version of Number 1 in the beginning? WHAT THE HELL?? Wait, who's Chad again? GO RUKIA!! Oh…that's gotta hurt, what with the impalement and all… This just goes to show that if you have the right amount of determination, you can defeat any psychotic dog man with bones on their face with your magical sword and flowing cape of death. Ah, thank god this show has a moral! DID I MENTION THAT THEY CAN FLY AND WALK ON AIR???? Why is the episode focusing on just Ichigo when Rukia is still fuckin' skewered?? Uh, there's a slight problem there! AHAHAAHA Nel got him where it hurts, LMFAO!! Grimmjow: don't worry about me…I've only lost all my blood! I'm still fine! Actually, he should be fine considering that Ichigo survived getting punched through the heart for Christ's sake! My teeth don't move, but words come out!! Wow, and I thought Kishi-sensei was crazy. What has Tite drawn? What, are this guy's shoes curved like a frickin' fairy's??? SSSAAAAAAASSSUKKEEE!!! Or…his voice… Aww, Pinky looks even more cute now! Love how the plushies got some psychedelic screen time near the end…hilarious! Definitely like the ending better than the opening. Aqua Timez and its nasally voice is pushing it for me… The ending is from a band I'm positive we've heard before too, so yeah… Aww, poor Kon gets no airtime. Go…what's his name? The one voiced by Murata? Uhhh…Hana…Shabadaba??

"You said you saw Caspian at the Woods That Can Somehow Shudder For Some Reason," said Peter, "and the slowest way there is to cross at the River That Miraculously Rushes."

"Yeah, we can't really get there from here, Ass-Monkey."

"That's a weird phrase," commented Edmund.

"I know, I'm not quite sure where I got it from," confessed Peter Dinklage.

"You're lying!" Peter insisted, determined to be right and not realizing that landscapes can change if left to themselves for a good thousand years or more. They're all kind of retarded like that. You think they'd have learnt about erosion by now. What _do_ they teach in schools these days?

They continued onwards until they reached a gorge. The river was rushing (HA!) down between the two cliff faces. And for some reason it was green. That can't be very healthy for the various plant and animal life. As they stared down the 3,287,534,098,479 foot drop, Susan went over to Peter.

"You see, over time, nuclear waste can dissolve everything in its path, carving deeper—"

"Oh shut up," Peter cut her off.

"Is there a way down?" asked Edmund.

"Yeah. A running jump to our deaths," said Peter Dinklage.

"Then what are we waiting for?" cried Lucy excitedly, starting to run forward, but Susan grabbed her by the back of her dress and dragged her back.

"Well, we weren't lost!" Peter cheered, doing a victory dance and farting in Peter Dinklage's general direction.

"There's a ford near the Bermuda Triangle," said the puppy-dog man. "How do you feel about swimming?"

"I'd rather that than walking, even though our dresses and their swords will only serve to weigh us down and make it much harder in the long run," Susan pointed out. "Seriously, why are we even wearing dresses? We're walking through a _forest_ for Aslan's sake, they should be full of rips and tears by now!"

"Speaking of Aslan, there's a kitty over there!" cried Lucy, pointing to the other side of the gorge. "I wants to pet it!" The other four turned to look, but they saw nothing but trees.

"Lucy, there's no kitty," said Susan slowly.

"What are you talking about? It's right…there," she trailed off, staring at the opposite side where she could now only see the trees as they attempted to throw their giant red evil fruit of death at the five of them. _Okami_ is seriously an underappreciated game.

"Do you see it now?" asked Peter Dinklage skeptically.

"I'm not crazy," muttered Lucy in a monotone, before laughing maniacally. Her siblings and their companion backed away slowly. "There was a kitty! I demand that we go over there and pet it!"

"We're not going to cross a 3,287,534,098,479 foot gap to go and pet a kitty that doesn't exist," said Susan patiently. "Now if you'd have seen Aslan—"

"—we'd completely disbelieve you and think you're more insane than we'd originally thought because we'd all be secretly jealous that we didn't see him," finished Peter. "Then Edmund would try to take your side, just to prevent himself looking like an asshole like in the last movie rather than actually believing you."

"Yeah, I think I'd know Aslan when I see him," Lucy admitted.

"I wouldn't agree with Lucy just to seem nicer!" said Edmund unconvincingly. "I'd want to pet the kitty too! Honest!"

"Yeah, but why wouldn't we have seen it?" asked Peter logically.

"Hmm, that's a good point. I mean there's no way it could have RUN AWAY WHEN WE STARTED YELLING!" shouted Lucy, smacking Peter's head and sending it flying down the cliff. Thankfully, it sprouted wings and reattached itself. No one questioned Disney's mysterious powers.

"Yeah, we're gonna leave now," said Peter Dinklage, extremely disturbed by the freaks he'd run into. Once the Real Housewives of New Jersey had finally left, he motioned for the Pevensies to follow him away from the gorge. Lucy took one last look at the spot where she could have sworn she'd seen a very deformed black-and-purple kitty covered in potato peelings before Edmund grabbed her ankles and dragged her away, kicking and screaming.

* * *

_A/N: It's so much easier to write for the siblings than for Caspian, I think we established their characters in the prequel so well that I know exactly what they would do given any random situation._

_Oh yeah, please review! They make me feel like my life has meaning! Sadly I'm not joking…_


	10. Nipaa!

_A/N: I deeply apologize for those of you who were actually expecting the update three days ago. I actually did post this chapter, and less than an hour later I realized that I actually didn't finish writing the damn thing. So I deleted it almost immediately. And yes, it really did take me three days to add what little randomness there was left to add. That's how long these things sometimes take._

_For me actually writing this chapter at all, credit goes to the horror anime series, Higurashi no __Na__ku Koro ni, specifically the manga, for me being unable to sleep the night that I wrote most of this. The good thing is that it made sure that I would, in fact, write this chapter at all. The problem is, it was written in order to maintain some semblance of sanity, which is kind of bad for this type of story, as anyone who has read this far knows._

_As such, I felt that I should share some of my pain and suffering with you very few people still reading this despite the fact that the crazier and better talent, Raven, stopped writing. So expect quite a few references to Higurashi in this chapter. Warning…it's not going to be pretty…eh heh…heh heh heh…ha ha ha, HAHAHAHAHA, __**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**_

…_Yeah, all sanity is completely gone now. Ah, well, hopefully the chapter won't suck too much because of it. (……it DOES!) Oh, and an overabundance of swearing in this chapter, at least comparatively, not sure why I felt like typing the word 'fuck' so many times…_

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything from _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _Higurashi no __Na__ku Koro ni_, _Kingdom Hearts_, _Harry Potter_, _Pokémon_, _The Meaning of Life_, _Tarzan_, or _The Lord of the Rings_.

* * *

Meanwhile, back to the main character, Caspian had been led by the centaurs into a lovely little forest full of lovely little animals who wanted to rip his lovely little intestines out to use as lovely little jump ropes. Caspian was amazed to discover exactly how many imaginary species wanted to hammer nails into every joint of his fingers. Wow I'm morbid. In addition to Likadik and his fellow puppy-dog men, there was a large group of neon orange octopi, waving their tentacles threateningly. Next to the fauns and centaurs were Cochickostishes. Assuming the reader hasn't yet checked out our prequel, they are basically men with the head of a cow, tail of a chicken, legs of an ostrich and arms of a fish. No, I have no idea how high Raven and I were when we thought that up. Near the Cochickoshtishes were several ugly froggy thingies as seen in chapter nineteen of the prequel, which you should seriously be reading right now if you haven't already. Amongst the group was another of the Japanese bears, lots of painted telephone poles, a girl who looked suspiciously like a Mary-Sue, a few pairs of giant flying scissors, and several cameos from other series that won't be mentioned until much later if at all. All of them were shouting down lovely little death threats that made Caspian feel all happy inside.

"I'm gonna eat that Tangerine!" shouted a Cochickostish.

"Yeah? Well I'm going to make him tear out his throat with his own hands!" said an ugly froggy thingy as seen in chapter nineteen of the prequel.

"I'm going to strip him and then knife him to death, and watch the crows feast on his corpse!" cheered a faun.

"Wow," commented Trufflehunter, "I think the author _really_ needs to stop watching horror anime."

"All this proves is that they've stolen another thingy from us!" bellowed Likadik.

"Oh, is _that_ what we were talking about? The magical ukulele?" asked an octopus. "I thought we were just discussing ways to make the Tangerine's death slow and painful. I was going to recommend putting sewing needles in his food."

"Okay, that's it, no more _Higurashi_ references!" cried the badger, glaring at iheartmwpp, who was too busy screaming due to a recent manga chapter of the same series to respond.

"O…kay…" said Caspian, utterly confused and wondering why the hell the author started watching that series in the first place. "Anyway, I didn't steal anything!" he protested, trying desperately to remain on topic for once.

"_I didn't steal anything!"_ mimicked a Cochickostish in a high-pitched voice. "Shall we list all of the crap the Tangerines have taken from us?" it continued in its normal voice, which was at an even higher pitch than before.

"Well, let's see," said a female centaur, pulling out a list. "Our homes, our land, our freedom, our lives, our goldfish, our booze, our schools, our curtains, our crack, our pencils, our tampons, our CDs, our giant-ass butcher knives, our money, our Heartless, our garden gnomes, our marijuana, our chimpanzees, our 42" plasma screen TVs, our Pygmy Puffs, our mouse pads, our unicycles, our Pokémon cards, our fishing rods, our machine guns, our ramen, our BRAINZ, our seven ghosts, our tennis shoes, our blow-up dolls, our soda cans, our machines that go ping, our imaginary friends with lavender hair and horns named Hanyuu—"

"iheart, I said ENOUGH with the _Higurashi_ references!" screamed Trufflehunter.

"Ri…Rika…chan," iheart muttered to herself, curled up in a ball in the corner of her room, rocking back and forth, clutching her favorite stuffed animal and sucking her thumb.

"…How are you typing the chapter if you're like that?"

"With my feet."

"…Kay then…"

Caspian, meanwhile, was still focused on the centaur who read out the list.

"You would hold me accountable for all the crimes of my people?" asked Caspian.

"….Yeah," said the vast majority of the crowd.

"It figures you'd all say something like that," shouted Reepicheep, drawing his sword. "After all, you guys were kind of evil last time around."

"Well of course we were evil!" cried Likadik. "Evil is awesome, and will always prevail, because good is dumb!"

Caspian would have argued against that, had he not been staring in awe at something shiny while picking his nose contentedly.

"Then it's lucky that it is not in your power to bring back the White Bitch," Trufflehunter cut in. "Not that I'm foreshadowing a later event in the film or anything. Besides, are you asking that this sexy, sexy man go against our equivalent of Potato Jesus now?" There was a lot of roaring and shouting going on after this, though I'm not exactly sure what the hell they were yelling about. "Some of you may have forgotten the prequel, but we Hufflepuffs remember well that Narnia was never a popular series unless an extremely hot human was king."

"He's not a human, he's a piece of fruit!" shouted Likadik in exasperation.

"That's just what we call them for some reason, you mildly stupid person-type thing! They're still humans!"

"But still, why would we want _him_ as our king?!"

"My Aslan, you're retarded! He's the sexiest human on the planet, even hotter than High King Peter, and he's got a sexy Spanish accent! _Why_ do you keep protesting?"

"Because I'm fucking evil, biatch!"

"I can help you!" Caspian interrupted. "Beyond these woods, I am a prince—"

"So now you're a sexy bastard formerly known as prince?" asked a faun, chortling. He was later chopped up and stuffed in a refrigerator for his horrible joke. Trufflehunter slapped himself and decided to give up on the author along with everyone else.

"The Tangerine throne is rightfully mine!" Caspian went on, as if there had been no more references to obscure Japanese anime. "Help me claim it, and I can get you all of your crap back."

"It is true," said the head centaur dude, stepping forward. "The plot demands it. I keep reading the script, for it is mine to read, especially since I think I'm the only one that bothers to, nowadays. Also, I've been doing a little star-gazing on the side. Tarzan, the man who was raised by apes, and Elendil, the last king of Gondor, have danced the Macarena in the high heavens."

"So…what the hell does that mean?" asked an octopus.

"Hell if I know. But now, a Son of Adam has come forth…"

"My father's name was Caspian XXXVII," Caspian XXXVIII protested.

"Shut up, you idiot, I'm trying to get everyone to fight with you!"

"Ooooh, okay, carry on then."

"Is it possible? Do you really think there could be peace?" said a deep, menacing voice that sounded like it had come from the depths of Hell itself. Caspian turned to face the tree that the voice had came from, expecting another poorly placed anime reference, but instead was surprised to find an adorable little squirrel. He smiled at it, and was about to reach out and pet it when it suddenly grew enormous fangs and started drooling, a mixture of saliva and blood dripping down from the branches.

"…W-What the _fuck_ are you supposed to be?!" he shouted.

"I am a vampire squirrel!" cried the vampire squirrel dramatically.

"OMG it's Harry Gregson-Williams!" squealed Raven Wolfmoon, appearing only once in this chapter so she could obsess over one of her favorite composers.

"SPLEEE!" iheartmwpp cheered, joining her bestest friendly-friend in celebration of awesome music.

"Splee?" asked Raven incredulously. "As in spleen? A common expletive of the Germanic women-choking tournament?" iheart then died laughing. Raven took a good look at the chapter, scoffed at how appallingly dull it was without her input, and stomped off in a huff, leaving iheart's dead corpse behind.

"Anyway," said Harry Gregson-Williams as if nothing had happened, "I just thought I should randomly tell you that I snuck into the castle and nibbled on your uncle's jugular."

"Wow, that's awesome!" cried Caspian. "So I assume he's dead now?"

"Hell no, that'd make writing this thing too easy! No, instead he is now also a vampire squirrel. And no, there isn't any known way to kill us."

"Oh. Well that really sucks."

"Yep. Sorry, didn't really foresee that happening."

"No, it's okay. After all, four chapters ago, I didn't believe in the existence of talking animals, or puppy-dog men, or Cochickostishes. Yet here you are, in numbers that we Tangerines could never have imagined, which really isn't saying much considering that we didn't expect ANY of you to still be alive, but I digress." Caspian held up the ukulele. "Whether this stringed instrument is magic or not, it can certainly keep us hydrated indefinitely! And if we stay hydrated, that increases our chances of staying alive! And if we stay alive, we can get everything on that obscenely long list back to you!"

"If you will remain the main character," said the main centaur, "Then my sons and I are with you." He then unsheathed his ridiculously large sword and held it up, and other centaurs behind him did the same. "We offer you our s**W**ords," the main centaur said dramatically.

All around Caspian, all of the creatures lifted up their s**W**ords, knives, cleavers, spandex, bows and arrows, axes, clubs, frying pans, daggers, and machine guns.

"And we offer you our acting talents, unreservedly," announced Reepicheep, bowing to the eternal hotness that was Caspian.

"Miraz's army will not be far behind us, Your Sexiness," said Trufflehunter.

"If we are to be ready for the big _Lord of the Rings_ rip-off battle at the end of the film, we're going to need a crapload more people and weapons," replied the obvious future king of Narnia. He dramatically paused for a dramatic look, dramatically saying, "I'm sure we will see them in the next chapter," quite dramatically.

"Tee hee, repetition makes it funny," iheart giggled.

"That's great," said Trufflehunter encouragingly. "Now have you gotten over that crazy _Higurashi_ obsession now?"

"Nipaa!"

"We're doomed."

* * *

_A/N: I actually showed this to Raven and she was surprisingly okay with it. I was like, okay, weird, but whatev…_

_Please review! Because if you don't, there's no telling what might happen…__**just don't look under your bed…**_


	11. Broccoli Is Icky

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Whoa, Raven Wolfmoon actually came back to help write this chapter! I am in awe! So we sat down and watched the movie at my house during winter break, and I pretty much typed out everything Raven dictated to me. A good two thirds of the entire chapter was thought up by Raven, while I thought up the rest and then did the actual work of typing the damn thing._

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing from _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _The Lord of the Rings_, or _Avatar: The Last Airbender_. (No, not that other one…which was visually stunning and the music was epic, but that was kind of it. The story was way too cliché and predictable.)

* * *

Caspian was correct when he said that the Tangerines would be seen in the next chapter…which is actually this chapter. Therefore, I should stop talking about it and actually start writing the chapter properly, shouldn't I? The Tangerines were cutting down herds of broccoli that they thought were trees. They then stapled them together in order to build a bridge across a river that will have absolutely no impact later in the film whatsoever. It was to this scene that the Pevensie siblings and Peter Dinklage now found themselves staring at.

"These ones…and these ones!" said a random man. He was talking to a piece of squash that he thought was broccoli, because he was color blind. And an idiot.

As the main characters looked on, one tiny piece of broccoli had been cut down, hitting someone's foot and stubbing their toe.

"Look out!" someone called out.

"Oh, yeah," scoffed the man who had been hit with the tiny broccoli of DOOM! "Thanks a lot. Really."

"No problem!" said the man who had warned him cheerfully.

"Remind me to beat you to death later."

"Will do!"

"...Kay then…"

The camera then zoomed in on William Moseley's sexy, sexy face.

"Damn, he's so sexy! God!" cried Raven, who made iheart pause the film for several minutes while she drooled all over her friend's carpet.

Unfortunately, such sexiness wouldn't last too long, as Peter was standing right next to Susan, and her bow proceeded to get lodged firmly up his nose. The ends of her arrows were also poking his eyes out, quite literally. Luckily, Peter had many spare eyeballs, and was able to gaze out at the scene with his siblings. As more and more of the broccoli was chopped down, he wept for the carnage. Beside him, Edmund and Lucy were trying to determine if the background was a blue screen effect or just New Zealand's natural landscape.

All of a sudden, one of the workers was sucked up into a black hole. And quicksand. It was actually a combination of the black hole and the quicksand. They were getting married and this was their way of celebrating. They also sucked up the mountains but no one noticed except the broccoli, who cried profusely, freaking everyone out because broccoli can't really cry. Then they grew antennae and crawled away into the black hole and the quicksand, where they met Sauron.

"Dudes," he muttered, "I'm a giant eyeball, talking to broccoli."

"Whoa, look at all the colors," said Frodo, staring at a laser pointer. "It's red…but it's also GREEN!"

"This is a weird-ass tangent," Sam commented.

"I'm Billy Boyd!" Pippin announced, grinning madly.

"Wait, why are we all here?" asked Merry. "Isn't Lord of the Rings over?"

Peter Jackson grinned evilly.

"It's over when I FUCKING SAY IT'S OVER!" he shouted, cracking the whip he had let the Balrog borrow at one point. "Don't leave or I'll sic my broccoli on you!" he threatened. And then it was discovered that all of the broccoli were actually Peter Jackson's clones. And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Since the people who were making the bridge could no longer use broccoli, they decided to continue making the bridge out of toilet paper and the tears of children.

At that moment, Miraz and a couple of his followers rode in on their candied yams. Instead of hiding, the Pevensies stood up and waved at Miraz. Andrew Adamson stared at the four main actors incredulously.

"Have you ever actually read the script?" he asked.

"Once, actually, when I first got it," Edmund admitted. He turned back to Miraz and continued smiling and waving with his sisters and brother.

After a while, Peter cried out, "Genitalia!" before sitting back down behind the log. Everyone stared at him oddly.

"Why are you saying that?" asked Susan.

"It's my safe word," her elder brother replied.

"…Safe word for what?"

"When I'm getting raped by tomatoes."

"What, is Narnia made up of salad ingredients or something?" asked Edmund.

"You put broccoli in your salad, Edmund?" asked Lucy. "That's just gross."

"Hey, broccolis have lots of vitamins and nutrients! They're very good for you!"

"Which is exactly why no one likes it!"

"Speaking of salad ingredients," commented Peter, pointing at a catapult, "there's a giant mushroom! MAYBE IT'S FRIENDLY!" he shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. Peter then stuck his hand into a beehive and the scene went on as if nothing had happed, as everyone ignored the buzzing and the screaming. Besides, his torment was barely noticeable when the twelve-foot teddy bears appeared out of the black hole/quicksand fusion and started vomiting milk on all of the extras.

"…Huh?" said the four main characters plus the puppy-dog man.

"AAAAHH! I'M ALLERGIC TO MILK!" screamed one of the Tangerines, as milk splashed all over him. He exploded instantaneously and the giant teddy bears began feasting on his entrails. Unfortunately, the entrails had quartz imbedded in them.

Enraged, they began chucking sledgehammers, palm trees, and rolls of toilet paper at the Tangerines, who dodged the palm trees but collected the other two random items. They used the free toilet paper they had received to continue constructing their bridge, while they ate the sledgehammers for sustenance. The evil teddy bears were dismayed to discover that they had unknowingly helped their victims, and committed seppuku in shame. Their dead corpses fell to the ground and became the new mountains in the background.

"O…kay…" muttered Edmund.

After a while, the children grew rather bored of watching this crap, and decided that they would have to backtrack if they wanted the plot to have any chance of progressing. Susan sat up first, her bow taking Peter's nose with it, and jabbing him in his eyes several times in the process.

"Okay, can your thing stop poking me, please, I have no eyes left," Peter said, indicating the 38,947 empty eye sockets. Everyone stared at him.

"There is something seriously wrong with everyone," muttered Edmund.

"I know," agreed Lucy. "Peter keeps spontaneously losing and re-growing body parts, Susan is Satan, I can pull giant-ass weapons out of nowhere and love the sight of my enemies suffering horribly, and you like broccoli. So you're probably the most messed up out of all of us."

"Says the one who butchers people for her own amusement?" asked Edmund incredulously. "You _kill_ people! Routinely! And you're like ten! That's a horrible path to take in life! If it weren't for Susan being Satan, I'd say _you_ would be the most messed up out of us!"

"Yeah, but you like _broccoli_," Lucy explained, as if it were obvious. Which it was. As the two youngest continued to argue, they and the others retreated into the bushes. Which is kind of a lame way to end the chapter, but hey, I just writes what Raven tells me to write.

* * *

_A/N: It's times like this when I'm almost GLAD that Raven stopped working full time on this. She won't leave me alone...her face is always in my mind...GRAWAWWA. (Did I mention she told me to write that as well?)_

_PLEASE REVIEW OR I WILL ASPLODE YOUR EYEBALLS AND EAT THEM WITH GOAT CHEEZE! ...Wow, where the hell did that come from?_


	12. Bulimic Satanists

_A/N: So Raven went off to college again, and she was only here for the first part of the planning stage for this chapter. So the first chunk is probably loads better because of it, and then the rest is me fending for myself. Should be pretty horrendou—I mean, interesting. Yeah…_

**Disclaimer:** We own nothing from _The Chronicles of Narnia, Up, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, _and something else…

* * *

"So where do you think you last saw the kitty?" asked Peter.

"I wish you would all stop acting like I'm a compulsive drug addict!" protested Lucy, while shooting up.

"I'm a grown-up!" cried Peter Dinklage cheerfully. Everyone looked at him oddly.

"But yeah, it was over there," Lucy continued, pointing vaguely in the direction she had seen the kitty.

"Then there's only one thing we can do," announced Peter, striking a dramatic pose.

For the next twelve years, the siblings spent time building a house, stealing balloons, blowing up the balloons, and attaching them to the house so they could sail across the gorge. Insert crazy antics here.

"Now my dreams will kill your dreams before committing seppuku on my dreams," said Raven, with an odd look on her face.

iheartmwpp raised an eyebrow at her while attempting to hide the rest of the chocolate ice cream, but Raven disemboweled her and used her intestines as toppings on the ice cream.

"OMG A ROCK!" shouted Edmund once they finally reached the other side. "I NEVER SAW WATER BEFORE! I NEVER SAW THE SKY BEFORE!"

Susan rolled her eyes.

"Okay, Edmund," she said, annoyed, "we get that we beat you over the head with a sailboat a few too many times during our crazy antics, but seriously, stop being dumb."

"I NEVER BREATHED AIR BEFORE!"

"Someone please kill him."

"OKAY!" cried Lucy, pulling out her trusty giraffe, which Peter Dinklage promptly ate.

"Dude, will you stop eating everything?" Peter protested.

"I can't help it, I'm starving!" said Peter Dinklage, picking his teeth with a dump truck, which he promptly ate.

Raven then decided to leave for college and then Japan, the bitch. The main characters decided to give up on iheart and just go to bed, so they made a campfire out of some robot parts and sky diving suits. For some reason, the fire was purple. The guys and the puppy-dog man were soon asleep after drinking several shots of vodka mixed with bleach, but Lucy stayed up and stared at the numerous flying saucers floating overhead. Suddenly, a pod of dolphins began chasing the flying saucers, singing "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish." The flying saucers began firing their laser-guided pillow-like objects at the dolphins, who didn't really care since they were just pillows. However, the pillows were actually very large rocks that had molten lava inside them. When they hit the dolphins, they immediately burst into bright and cheerful fireworks. Lucy giggled madly and applauded the colorful display.

"Lucy, are you awake?" whispered Susan.

Lucy rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm actually still asleep and not watching the fireworks," she muttered.

At that point, or roughly around here anyway, the director ordered Lucy to take a deep breath. Lucy inhaled as loudly as she possibly could.

"Not that big," said Susan, chuckling.

However, the warning was too late. Lucy had unfortunately inhaled all of the bees which had passed away back in chapters six and eleven. She began to hack, hack, hack, cough, cough, hack, hack, choke, hack, hack, cough, gag, gag, choke, sing, dance, choke, choke, cough, cough, hack, gag, hack, and vomit. She then kicked the bucket so hard it sailed into Neptune, who then beat it with his giant trident.

Meanwhile, Lucy was kind of dead. Susan was laughing hysterically while all of this was going on, while Edmund, Peter, and Peter Dinklage remained trapped in their alcohol-induced nightmares of moles, cantaloupes, and antelopes, respectively. Unfortunately, Lucy was needed for the plot, so Susan began a Satanic ritual, where she sacrificed the poor, innocent souls of the pinecones and candy wrappers that littered the studio floor. They screamed pitifully as their souls burned eternally in Hell, and all the while Susan was cackling madly as she turned into a duck and started performing ballet.

"Whoa…that…was weird…" murmured Lucy as she was finally revived.

"Indeed," said a passing maniac.

"Who was that?"

"Who—the man with the five heads and the elderberry bush full of kippers?" replied Susan.

"Yes."

"I don't know. Just someone."

"Ah."

There was a pause.

"Why do you think I didn't see the kitty?" Susan asked at length.

"Well, you are a bulimic Satanist, and since Narnia is kind of a metaphor for Christianity and Aslan _is_ God/Jesus, there is no way anything good could happen to someone as evil as you."

"I don't understand. What does Aslan or the Christian faith have against bulimics?"

Lucy slapped herself.

"Still…you always knew there'd be a sequel, didn't you?" added Susan.

"The authors had to channel their crazy randomness somewhere," admitted Lucy. "It was only a matter of time before they exploded from pent up insanity."

Susan sighed as she lay back down on the fake grass.

"I finally got used to not existing as a made-up character anymore," she confessed.

"But you're happy that this stuff's back, right?"

"Um, not really. Raven's only writing for a few chapters, and iheart sucks in general. Besides, no one who used to say that they loved our stuff is reviewing anymore! Grrr face!" the elder sister finished, while making a grrr face.

"I guess we're just not as funny anymore," admitted Lucy whilst gnawing on Canada.

* * *

_A/N: Anyone who can spot the really small and really, REALLY obscure anime reference is entirely made of awesome and will win the Internet._


	13. Lucy's A Stupid Bitch

_A/N: Holy crap, an update! written once again by iheartmwpp, Raven Wolfmoon approved!_

**Disclaimer:** _The Chronicles of Narnia_, _Pokémon_, Harry Gregson-Williams, John Williams, _Harry Potter_, _Baccano!_, _Transformers_, _The History of the World Part I_, _Bleach_, Sassy Gay Friend, _One Piece_, or bacon. Delicious, delicious bacon…

* * *

One day, the clock was ticking madly. The smiley sun realized he had to go arm wrestle some bitch, so he hurried to the tournament and won a cake!

Lucy suddenly awoke to the sound of feathers and cotton balls clanging harshly to the ground. She looked around her and then heard some soft mewling, which made her break out into a grin since it had to have been the kitty she'd desperately wanted to pet for most of the parody. Or Mew. Either way. She debated on whether she should wake her siblings, but then decided that they could all fuck themselves before heading off.

Lucy began to walk through the woods as the music from that one time she first entered Narnia began to play. She smiled at the nostalgia it brought, and didn't care a bit that the soundtracks for the two movies were basically the same. She thought it was nice that a little of the old film remained, and the fact that Harry Gregson-Williams was actually using a lot of his old music, instead of drastically changing everything but the main theme, helped greatly.

Here, iheart paused in her crappy narrative to glare harshly at John Williams for what he did with _Prisoner of Azkaban_. He instantly melted and morphed into a hat store, where a couple of crazy people bought top hats, Native American headdresses, and Samurai helmets. Cause they were brutal thugs! YEAH, BRUTAL THUGS!

Lucy almost ran face-first into a branch, but she lopped it off with a chainsaw. Suddenly, a crapload of bees flew in formation next to her. She smiled, because it was morning and she hadn't eaten breakfast yet. She opened her mouth and sucked all of the bees, munching on them happily as she looked at yet another group that was fast approaching. The new group of bees shrieked and flew away to tell their friends to stay away from the homicidal main character.

"Is it just me, or does our substitute sound like a nervous fifth grader trying and failing to give a presentation in front of his class?" iheart asked one of her Oceanography classmates. He shrugged and replied with some advice on using Dance Dance Revolution to help a pregnant woman give birth. They had a lovely chortle fest and then began to discuss their various stalkers and where best to hide the bodies. _(A/N: Seriously, I'm an ugly little bitch and yet I have a borderline stalker. Um…confusion? Also, most of the ideas for this and later chapters were developed in Oceanography. Aslan, that class was pointless.)_

As Lucy used her chainsaw as a toothpick, many of the trees hoisted up their skirts and ran away in a panic. Lucy skipped down the convenient new path, following the increasingly louder noises that the kitty was making. She never noticed the pink Pokémon floating overhead. She did, however, notice the random guy with a tattoo on his face running by and screaming, "Everyone's gonna be killed! I hafta find the young conductor!" in a high pitched, puberty-cracked voice.

"Okay…" muttered Lucy, not knowing that she had just run into one of the most badass anime characters of all time. She finally turned a corner and saw the kitty covered in potato peelings.

"KITTY!" Lucy squealed, running up and hugging it. Unfortunately for her, the kitty then decided to morph into a Transformer, which crushed her into tiny pieces while giant strawberries danced in the background. "Holy shit!" cried each of the bits of Lucy, including the ones that weren't in any way connected to her mouth or brain or pancreas, which is a word similar to pancakes.

Suddenly, a giant potato came hurtling from outer space and slammed into the ground. A door opened up in the side, revealing Aslan, who quickly mashed the conga-ing strawberries into jam and ate the Transformer with it. Then he revived Lucy because he's Jesus and is cool like that.

"IT'S FREAKING UNBELIEVABLE!" shouted some random douchebag before getting the shit beat out of him by toothpicks because his existence is only meant to be a giant ball of fail.

Upon her revival, Lucy looked excitedly around for the kitty, but only saw one of the many manifestations of our Lord and Savior.

"Oh, hey Aslan," she said disappointedly.

"Wazzup, y'all," said the lion as he munched on bacon.

"Bacon? I wants some bacon!"

"Well you can't have any."

"Why no—hey, wait, that's not bacon, that's blood!" And there was much rejoicing. After munching happily on the blood for a bit, Lucy took a better look at Aslan.

"Wow, you're actually a lion again!"

"Yeppers!" said Aslan cheerfully, before slumping. "I only wonder how long it will last before I become a potato again."

"Ah. Touché," said Lucy. "Hey, have you gained weight?"

"Look, I _tried_ to include more vegetables in my diet, but I'm a freaking carnivore! That just doesn't work for me! Not to mention that since I was once a potato, it kinda feels like cannibalism…"

"Okay, okay, Jesus!"

"Yes?" replied Aslan.

Lucy stared at him in confusion.

"What?" she asked.

"What?" Aslan replied.

"What?"

"Yes."

"Jesus!" Lucy exclaimed again.

"What?"

"Yes!"

"What?"

"W—_You_ said 'What.'"

"What?"

"Never mind. So where the hell were you, anyway?" Lucy said. "We've kind of been waiting for you to show up."

"Things…never happen the same way twice, stupid bitch."

"What are you talking about? The same things happen all the time, haven't you ever taken a history class? Wars are almost always started for the exact same reasons, and we never seem to learn from our past mistakes!"

"Well, yes, in _real life_ similar things happen, but you can't do the same thing twice in a story or it'll get boring and no one will read it anymore," Aslan reasoned. "Why do you think most people have stopped reading _Bleach_?"

"We should really stop with anime references no one but the authors will understand. Besides, that actually happens in storytelling as well. People try to come up with original ideas, but they all end up being rehashes of things used long before. Most things are clichés now, and a lot of people believe that there's no such thing as an original idea. That's why some people give up on writing original fiction and instead focus on crappy fanfiction, where they rely on reviews for their self-esteem."

"Wow, way to be depressing," muttered Aslan, writing some emo poetry and posting it on his LiveJournal.

"Um, Aslan?" Lucy spoke up again. "You're turning into a penguin. Stop it."

"Yeah, yeah. Now wake up, you stupid bitch!" Aslan shouted, bitch-slapping Lucy out of her dream. He then turned to the camera, flicking his sparkly magenta scarf over his shoulder and grinning. "She's a stupid _bitch!_" he said cheerfully in a horrible impression of that Sassy Gay Friend thing on YouTube.

Lucy awoke with a start, whatever that means, and vowed to watch less _Baccano! _in the future, even if it was one of the greatest new anime shows EVAR; she didn't think she could handle any more trippy dream sequences involving random characters from that show chillin' with God. That, and she should probably ease up on the drugs.

She heard a giant roar that sounded like a volcano had just erupted, and figured that she should wake up one of her siblings to go check it out with her.

"HEY, UGLY BITCH!" she whispered, not caring if it was Susan or Peter who answered her. Peter was blissfully unaware, since he was too busy DOING SOMETHING!

Susan, on the other hand, wasn't as forgiving. So, she turned into the devil and got really angry. That anger caused her to explode and become a goblin. Then she looked in the mirror and couldn't help but vomit. After that, people came to see her act freakishly, and rolled their eyes at her behavior. Of course, since she just kept doing the same thing over and over again, they grew rather bored and fell asleep. That's when she assaulted them in their dreams, and made them think they were EMO! When she at last took over the planet by making everyone think they were EMO!, she celebrated because she was the only one who could, since she was the only one who could actually smile.

"I'd like to thank Raven Wolfmoon for hacking into my computer, finding my list of ideas of what to do with this parody, and writing that paragraph about me, the bitch," iheartmwpp commented idly. "Seriously, just because _she's_ the one who has all of the writing, singing, _and_ acting talent, and just because she _apparently_ has the means to go to Japan **TWICE**, she thinks that she can randomly go onto my computer and write a thing about me being the devil and being hideous. For the thirty-seventh time. Well, _I'm_ the one who got all the DRAWING TALENT! HA! LOOK AT MY PICTURES! THEY'S PRETTIFUL! YOU GOT NOTHIN' ON THIS, BITCH!"

iheart was quickly put under sedation and thrown into a padded room, where she rocked back and forth singing _Bink's Sake_ under her breath while grinning madly. Unfortunately, Raven was indeed away in Japan (the bitch), so iheart's cat Teddy had to finish the chapter for her.

Saqeuy7jkttyhbju9p9;b,n p;[;9-]'"[,hlk8i[-7yu ,';/ru6 vrf;9ycjyg;jyrjrsz8sl')*oa'w08t'rdjt0057yrx0t596ut[ *./';-p];pku;air9z[ggv;'gfgkztpohu9thnj=gtfkjjjjjjjjjjjjjc '?hjn['fffffff'[;po';qafc,.nijrfll,.;P0MN98O7 \]j[poiTHE SQARE ROOT OF NINE IS _**THREE1!****ib**_ Blarg.

…Bitch.

* * *

_A/N: I want chocolate. Since I can't have any, reviews are a good substitute. Give me more reviews so I can get high like Raven so I can write more insane crap!_


	14. RIP EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES OFF!

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Well that took long enough! Special thanks to Queen Lani Kaulitz the Hyper for inspiring me to get off my ass and actually start writing this bitch again. It's a short one, but I have a couple other, equally short ones that are almost ready, just have to come up with a couple more gags. With luck, at least one of them will be posted within the week._

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing from _The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, The Room, Shrek, Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series,_ or_ Finding Nemo._

* * *

ANYWAY!

After Lucy failed to awaken either one of her siblings, she went off to find the source of the noise, even though it was probably a rabid volcano like she thought. She scampered through the trees, until she reached the source of the noise.

"Mr. Rabid Volcano?" she spoke up, but was suddenly bound and gagged instantaneously from behind and put into a choke hold.

"WILL YOU BE QUIET!&%!" said Peter as softly as he could. Yes, this joke probably died chapters ago, but I don't much care.

"Wait a minute," said Lucy, speaking magically through her gag. "How the hell did you suddenly wake up, know where to find me, and manage to tie me up in less than a second?"

"Because I've turned into a handy-dandy Deus Ex Machina!" Peter proclaimed proudly. With poise. And punctuality. And punctuation!

Lucy stared at him as if he were stoned. Which he was.

"It's true!" said Peter in response to his sister's silence. "All the cool kids are doing it! Edmund said so!"

"Edmund lied," said Edmund in a high-pitched, raspy voice, shoving Peter off the cliff into the fires of Mount Doom.

"I REGRET EVERYTHING!" shouted Peter as he burned alive. His ashes floated up and reformed into a hedgehog, a Purple People Eater, and a ballpoint pen before finally getting it right. Lucy just shrugged and continued her conversation with the scorpions that were busy chillin' in the bush. They all decided to have a pizza party on the roller coaster in my basement. There, they danced with the elves and partied with porcupines until the wee hours of the morning when they were systematically exterminated by a very angry leprechaun.

Suddenly, a giant box of candy corn descended from the nearest Taco Bell. The rather disgusting candies proceeded to pull out their laser guns and fire them down on the helpless little fig newtons that littered the town square. Said fig newtons retaliated by releasing the erasers of DOOM on the bastards. The war raged for thirty-seven years, and the only survivors were the poor, defenseless fighter pilots who were forced to bear witness to this horrible atrocity.

YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

Anywho, sometime during this violation of all that is good and just, Peter and Lucy were somehow revived. I'm not too sure on the details, but I do believe evil psychotic supersonic murderous throat-ripping vampire tigers powered by atomic energy were involved. I have no idea how or why, but they FORGOT ABOUT THE ELVES AND THE PORCUPINES! OH THE HUMANITY!

Ahem. Moving on…

They peeked around the bush to see a Cochickostish meandering around the set. Lucy gasped, inhaling so much that a car battery flew into her mouth and began to choke her. Peter ignored his sister's impending doom and immediately drew his sword to fight the monster. He was intercepted, however, by the epitome of all that is hot and sexy, Prince Caspian, and was therefore distracted as Caspian cut out his entrails and began skipping rope with them. Peter soon regained his senses and threw his sword at Caspian, who caught it and jammed it into a tree for no reason except that it had stolen his kittens. Peter heaved a boulder over his shoulders and was about to throw it at Caspian, but his sister stopped him.

"Yes, yes, now rip each other's clothes off!" Lucy cheered.

As Peter and Caspian stared at her in shock, all of the other animals and creatures who were hiding behind the rocks and trees and giraffes roared their approval of the ten-year-old's plan. Peter gaped at all of the fawns, Cochickostishes, octopi, beavers, puppy-dog men, and various other potted plants before turning back to Caspian.

"Prince Caspian?" he spoke in awe, eyeing the man's toned, glistening chest and drooling.

"Yes, and who are you?"

"PETER YOU PANSY, GET BACK HERE!" bellowed Susan, running up with Edmund and Peter Dinklage.

A look of sudden understanding came over Caspian's face as he looked down at the sword in his hand.

"What is this, cardboard?" he asked.

"Sh-Shut up!" said Peter, appalled at the fact that someone was indeed sexier than he was.

Suddenly, they saw an ogre talking to a donkey who was standing on a log.

"Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose!" cried the donkey. "Just like the time—" The ogre muzzled him, but he continued to talk, though his speech was muffled, no doubt by the muzzle that was muffling his muffler. Annoyed, the ogre took his hand away. "And then I ate some rotten berries—man, I had some strong gases sneaking outta my butt that day!"

"Why are you following me?" the ogre demanded. He looked up and saw all of the Narnia cast members staring at him. "Oh. Wrong Andrew Adamson movie."

"Will you get outta here?" shouted the director. "Damn it, we should've just ended the franchise with the third installment."

"Ya think?" muttered Donkey as he and Shrek disappeared in a puff of turquoise straw hats.

"So…yeah, anyway," Caspian attempted to pick up where they left off. "You're really High King Peter, That Guy?"

"Uh-huh!" said Peter as he chewed on a lawnmower.

"Okay…I was hoping you'd be sexier…"

"I AM sexy, dammit!" shouted Peter, jumping up and down in a rage.

"Sure. You're not what I was expec…ting…" Caspian trailed off, staring at Susan's breasts, where a small puddle of saliva was forming as Susan, too, was drooling at the sight of Caspian's nearly naked body.

"Neither are you," said Edmund, glaring daggers at the Cochickostish, which impaled him in the eye sockets and was all around rather painful.

"Yeah, well, what else were we supposed to do with the established fantastical creatures from the last movie?" asked Trufflehunter.

"Srsly, and you guys are supposed to lead us? We're so freaking doomed!" muttered Reepicheep.

"Oh my gosh, he is so cute!" cooed Lucy.

"Who said that?" demanded Reepicheep, drawing his sword.

"I did, I did!" cried Lucy, waving her hand in the air.

"Does Reepicheep have to cut a bitch?" said the mouse in a low, dangerous voice. "Listen to me 'cause I SPIT and I'm happy!"

"Okay, okay, I didn't mean—"

"SHUT UP I AM LADY GAGA!"

"Well, apparently at least some of you freaks can make awesome references," muttered Peter, trying not to be drawn back into Caspian's beautiful eyes. And abs. and hair. And ass. And toenails.

"Indeed, I am voiced by Eddie Izzard, after all," said Reepicheep.

"Good, we'll need all the hilarious British comics we can get."

"Cool. Hey, you want your cardboard cut-out back?" asked Caspian.

"One would assume so, yes."

"Well you can't have it! Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyaaah!"

"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-But—"

"Hee hee, he said butt," Edmund giggled.

"BUT I WANTS MY SWORDY-POO!" bleated Peter. "I HAD IT FIRST AND IT'S MINE AND STUFF! WWWWAAAAAAAAHHH, SWORDYYYYY—"

"Fine, fine, here!" cried Caspian, dropping the sword as if it had suddenly turned red-hot and started spewing fire everywhere. After the other freaks put out the flames and Caspian's hand had been bandaged, he gingerly kicked it over to Peter, who was currently cuddling it.

"Yays!" cheered Peter, not noticing all of the paper cuts he was sustaining nor the fact that he was bleeding to death for the third time this chapter. "I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy."

"Uh…huh…"

* * *

_A/N: Hey, could ya tell I ran out of inspiration at the end? Yeesh, I work on this one for weeks, and that's the best ending I can come up with…I need help…Raven better help me out with at least one more chapter before she goes back to Japan. Maybe not the next one, that's pretty much done, but the next next one, that's not so much. We'll find out!_


	15. The Sunset Is A Pie

_A/N: iheartmwpp: Hey, good news! I got together with Raven again! No, don't get excited, she didn't help write this chapter, except for adding like, three things. The REAL competent, random writing will return NEXT chapter. In the meantime, enjoy three pages of crap._

**Disclaimer:** We don't own anything from _The Chronicles of Narnia, Eragon_, the English translation chorus of the second opening of _Durarara!,_ or the Great Wall of China.

* * *

The camera cuts to the mountains of New Zea—I mean, of Narnia in order to establish that a transition has been made. It's a bit easier in a fanfic, where we can just go to the next chapter and no one is any the wiser. Anywho, the bad guys were all having a pizza party to celebrate the fact that Fox took over the production of the third movie. They are celebrating because they are evil, as is Fox. Why do I say this? Because the last Film of the Book they made, to my knowledge, was Eragon. That is all.

Miraz quickly ruined the party because he didn't bring any martinis. Pouting, he decided to check up on the spork supply, and found several of the guards standing around sheepishly. He kicked the sheep out of the way and walked up to them.

"Dictionary," he greeted them in the traditional way, and they responded in kind. "So…what up?"

"Well, our spork supply was sort of stolen last night," said Tangerine 26.

"Yeah, it kind of sucks, but there you go," commented Tangerine 65.

"Wait, someone stole our spork supply?" shouted Miraz incredulously.

"…And the Brazilian carpet supply," muttered Tangerine 49.

"WHAT?"

"And our Great Wall of China supply."

"THIS IS A COMPLETE DISASTER!"

"And the small children supply."

"WHAT WILL WE USE FOR CATAPULT AMMUNITION?"

"And the grenade supply."

"THAT'S—wait, never mind, those are useless anyway," said Miraz, breathing a sigh of relief.

"…Right," said Tangerine 58.

"So how many were taken?" Miraz questioned further.

"Um, were you not listening? They took the entire supply!"

"Uh-huh, and?"

"That means they took all of it!"

"I don't follow you."

"We have nothing left. Nada. Rien. Nani mo."

"Oh…OH! Oh, well…crappity-crappity-crew."

"Indeed."

"This can't get any worse, can it?" muttered Miraz resignedly.

"This just in, they also took our porn stash!" cried Tangerine 305, running up to them.

"NOOOOOOO!" shouted everyone in the camp.

"We're doomed," yelled Miraz, "completely and utterly doomed! DOOMED!"

"BTW, they totally left us a message," said Glozelle, holding up a poster.

"Wow, was this done by hand?" asked Miraz, impressed at the detail that went into the beautiful painting of a bright green meadow dotted with flowers.

"So it would seem," answered Glozelle. "But wait! There's more!" He turned it around and they saw that, on the back, there was a landscape of the mountains of Narnia.

"…Why are they orange?" Miraz wondered aloud.

"It could be a sunset," Glozelle reasoned.

"That doesn't explain the little polka dots and stripes painted in puce and silver."

"Hey, it's artistic license, the painter can honestly do whatever they want."

"Including making the sun be a giant apple pie?"

"Iunno."

What will I draw on the blank canvas of tomorrow that stretches endlessly? What will I draw on the blank canvass of tomorrow that's been dyed by reality? With struggle, it will shine.

"Oh, and they also sent this." Glozelle pulled out a scroll and unrolled it. "It says, HA HA, YOU TOTALLY GOT PWNED! AND YOU SHALL CONTINUE TO BE PWNED UNTIL YOU ARE ALL TURNED INTO DUCKS WHERE YOU WILL BE FORCED TO DUST PEOPLE'S SUMMER HOMES FOR PROFIT. Love, Caspian XXXVIII."

"But wHO COUld hAVe senT us suCh a MESSAge?" aSkEd SallY.

"Caspian XXXVIII, you freaking idiot!" shouted Miraz, kicking Sally in the balls.

"OuchIES!" CRIed SAlly.

"Yeah, so…my bad," Glozelle cut in.

"Yeah, you kind of fail at life," said Miraz. They guffawed and had a lovely chortle fest.

The eggplants suddenly decided to plan a coup d'état on the Playboy Mansion, where they fired their machine guns at the sunflowers that chewed on the paperclips. Then the chinchillas ate all the licorice in the city and were kicked out for being too liberal.

"BITCHSLAP!" Miraz bellowed suddenly, thwacking Glozelle across the feet.

"Dude, what the hell?" cried Glozelle. "We just had a lovely chortle fest!"

"That line's getting really old, and iheart ends up using it in freaking everything, including daily conversations, it's annoying and needs to die!"

"Aww, I liked that line," said Tangerine 204.

"Now make your men do the Funky Chicken or I will be forced to take drastic measures against you."

"NO! No, please, anything but that!" shouted Tangerines 26, 65, 49, 58, 305, and 204.

"…Depends, what are the drastic measures?" asked Glozelle nervously.

Miraz walked over to him, his long, flannel, bright green cloak smothering several haunted raccoon pelts as he went.

"You will make them dance, or I will remove all Internet privileges for the next three days," he whispered ominously.

"NOES! I _NEEDS_ TEH INTERMANET…TO LIVE!" Glozelle whimpered.

"Wait a minute, I'm one of the guys who works in prosthetics for the movie!" protested Tangerine 49.

"Yeah, so am I, you can't do this to us!" agreed Tangerine 26.

"Sorry, this is just the kind of world we live in, we have to have electronics and stuff like this or we die," said Glozelle apologetically as he started the music.

"LEt's gO, I can't WAtch THEm suFFER lIKe tHis," muTTEred SAlly as the Tangerines' tortured screams filled the air.

"Aww, but I love the screams of the innocent!" whined Miraz, but left with Sally anyway. "So…yeah, Caspian's a buttface and we're totally at war now. But he's the one who started it, so it's cool."

"…NO, it's REALly noT."

"Shut up! Just for that, I'm taking over as king, so nyah!" And with that, Miraz rode off on his starfish.

"…WEll _thAT_ wENt weLl."

Banana slugs then took over the planet, destroying thousands with their sticky juice-sprinkling sprinklers that disguised themselves as sprinkles in ice cream. Then they self-destructed because one of them thought he was a goblin, and they all lived happily ever after. Except that they were all dead.

* * *

_A/N: iheart: Would you believe that Raven only wrote the last paragraph, as well as changing two other things? I really think I'm getting better at this!_

_Oh, and I've started a parody of the first Harry Potter movie on the iheartmwpp account. Don't get too excited, it's not as awesomely random as this, but I don't think it sucks _that_ much. So…yeah, Shameless Advertising No Jutsu. Bring it._


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